Loving God

I'm a word person, so I find language--how people learn it and use it--fascinating. (Nerd--I know.) One thing I particularly like is how different groups of people have their own vocabularies.

When I worked at an insurance company, I learned all kinds of words like hospital indemnity, elimination period, procedure and diagnosis codes. Using these words labeled me as an insurance person. Despite my label, there was still a lot about insurance I didn't know or understand, so I wasn't really an insurance person. I just sounded like one.

When I became a teacher, I picked up all kinds of new words. IEP, 504, SAT (not the test--there's another one), MAP scores, RIT band--teachers are big on acronyms. Using these words labels me as a teacher. I'll be totally honest, last year I didn't really feel like a teacher at all. I feel a bit more like one now (and I did just pass my Praxis PLT, so I guess I am), but there are still a lot of areas where I don't.

I grew up in church, so I know a lot of church words. Words like grace, mercy, sin, salvation--even fancy ones like exegesis, hermeneutics, and escatology. Using these words labels me as a Christian.

I didn't do a lot of research on this, but I'm pretty sure there isn't a verse that says, "if you can use the word salvation correctly in a scholarly sentence, you will be saved." But I feel like that is our culture. If it walks like a Christian and talks like a Christian, it must be a Christian. We could not be more wrong.

If you've ever watched a movie (or a tv show or read a book) you know that we live in a culture of people really into signs. Like if you've ever seen Fools Rush In you know that Matthew Perry's character sees a little dog, a picture of the desert, Grey's Papaya hot dogs, and a little girl and knows he is supposed to end up with Salma Hayack's character. Over the past few months, I've gotten some signs.

Recently I started attending a new church. The first week I was there, the pastor was giving a sermon from Judges on the story of Samson. He said that "our overdesire for someone or something else is a symptom of our underdesire for God." Recently I started a small group Bible study that is reading Francis Chan's book Crazy Love. It is all about how we don't love God like we should. Recently I went to a women's conference with a friend where the speaker talked about how the church today doesn't really love the way God calls us to love. Here's what I learned:
I don't love God. Not really. Not like I should.

Don't get me wrong, I like God. I like the idea of going to heaven. I like that Jesus died for me; it makes me feel special.

It should make me feel broken. That's how bad I am. So bad that the only way to save me was for someone perfect to die. For God to die.

It should make me feel overwhelmingly grateful. That's how much He loves me.

It should make me full of love for Him back.

I don't need to fall in love with me, I need to fall back in love with God. Then I might get God's love for me, which, when it comes down to how I feel about being single and how hard I'm trying to love myself, is what I'm really missing.