Jesse Pinkman is one of the main characters on AMC's series Breaking Bad, which I started watching this summer based on a recommendation from my sister's friend, who I have since decided has the best television taste in the history of time. The show is that good. If you haven't seen it, the basic premise is that a high school chemistry teacher named Walter White gets diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, so he starts to cook meth to earn money to leave to take care of his family. He teams up with a former student, Jesse Pinkman, who helps him cook and sell the meth. I know, you're probably thinking that a show about meth dealers has to be horrible, but, while it does show a lot of the ins and outs of the meth trade, the show is really about people.
Because he's been involved in drugs since high school, Jesse is estranged from his family, and he basically lacks any real connection to anyone. During the first three seasons, you see him trying to form connections with people, and he's almost successful, most notably his relationship with Walt, which starts as teacher-student but begins to seem more like father-son as they work together, but something happens to mess up every real relationship he starts. Season four finds Jesse totally alone, trying to numb his sense of loneliness by filling his house with people and things. There's basically a lot of shots of Jesse sitting alone or doing things alone, and he seems like a shell of a human (and that's why the episodes this season have made me so impossibly sad).
Jesse is a perfect example of the desire we all have to be known, to have people in our lives who know all about us, who understand us. We want to matter to other people.
Since I'm now 27, I'm getting to a point where more and more of my friends are married and more and more of my friends have kids. What that means is that it's getting harder and harder to make plans with people--I've found that husbands and kids can limit one's spontaneity and that it can be difficult to work around three people's schedules instead of one. I'm sure if I had a husband and a kid I would be less into going out and doing things all the time, that going out to eat and going to the movies wouldn't be on my to do list every weekend, that going to concerts and on trips wouldn't be as easy. And I know that I would be worried about my married friends if they wanted to hang out with me instead of their husbands all the time. And while I completely understand, I would be lying if I said that not having a ton of single friends didn't make me feel lonely sometimes. Or sometimes make me feel like everyone's life is passing me by and I'm just getting farther and farther behind.
Then, when it's Sunday and I go to church and watch Breaking Bad and see sad, lonely Jesse Pinkman, I'm reminded that no matter how many people I'm around, no matter how many times I hang out with other people, doing things with people will never be enough to make me feel not lonely. And I remember how many people I have in my life who really know me, how many people I have in my life who I can be honest with, how many people in my life really care about me. And how that's so much better than having people around all the time to do trivial things with. I'm also reminded that even if I had a packed social calendar plus all my close friends I would still feel lonely sometimes because no one could ever fully know me or satisfy my every need or make me feel loved every second. I remember that the only real cure for my loneliness is Christ, and I remember how when I look to other people instead of Him to cure my loneliness, it breaks His heart, just like my heart breaks when I watch Jesse Pinkman.
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