TV-Induced Paranoia

This has nothing to do with anything else that is coming up in this post, but I'm watching The Bachelorette right now and just feel like I need to officially say somewhere that I'm kind of obsessed with Chris L. I basically think he's awesome. And, I'm not afraid to admit that on the episode when he talked about his mom's funeral I cried. Kind of a lot. After last week's episode, I kind of wanted to move to Cape Cod.

Back to the point. As previously blogged, I have recently discovered I have a slight bend towards the irrational. And I have apparently stopped being embarrassed about it. In light of those two things, here's the story of what just happened to me.

I've been watching Prison Break. Before I go any farther, I need to say that, other than speeding, I haven't been breaking any laws, and I most certainly am not a convicted felon who has recently escaped from prison and is now running from the law. Nor do I think that I am somehow, against my will and knowledge, a key part of some giant government conspiracy. I know these things, but that didn't stop me from getting freaked out on my drive home from Bible study tonight.

A friend rode with me, so I stopped at the grocery store on the way home to drop her back off at her car. When I was leaving the parking lot, a blue Honda that had just been sitting there in the parking lot pulled out in front of me. For no justifiable reason, this freaked me out.

I tried to calm myself down by reminding myself of the previously mentioned facts that I'm not on the run or involved in a conspiracy.

But then, as I turned down a lovely little country road (I live kind of in the middle of nowhere, so I have to drive down lots of little country roads to get home), there was a car just sitting on a side road--with it's lights on, just sitting there. I thought that after I passed it would turn. But it didn't. It just sat there. Now, on this particular road at this time of night (it was around 10:00) I have actually just stopped to send a text because there are never any other cars and texting while driving is an unsafe no-no. So, I have literally sat there just like this car is doing. Do I think this? No. As I drive by and the car doesn't turn, all I can think of is that the people in this car know the people in the grocery store car and they are sitting there with a phone or radio or something letting someone up ahead know that I'm almost there--to some random place where they are going to try and make me pull over or run off the road so they can do something strange with me. Seriously, I had this thought. Seriously, my heart started pounding. And yes, stop reading now to mock me. And yes, I'm very ashamed of myself and embarrassed.

This incident, in combination with the fact that my Netflix homepage has now started recommending titles to me in categories such as "Violent Dramas" and "Violent Suspenseful TV Dramas," makes me think that perhaps I should not be binge-watching Prison Break.

On a final unrelated note: Bible Study Girls--Frank, the guy who just said on The Bachelorette that falling in love with Ali made him fall back in love with his ex-girlfriend, totally rocks the deep-V. I'm just saying. He also wears shirts with buttons.

If Life Were a TV Show....

One great thing about summer and Netflix is the ability to watch large amounts of tv shows in their entirety. For example, I've watched the first five seasons of Rescue Me and the first two seasons of Prison Break. I should probably be embarrassed by this, but I'm not. Although I do feel the need to add that I just finished two graduate classes and am starting a new one tomorrow--so I have actually done something productive. But, back to the point, all the tv watching has lead to me compiling a list of reasons why it would be kind of cool to live life in a tv show.

1) If you're ever in a situation where you need to hit someone with something, a heavy tool or pipe is always readily available.

2) After the previously mentioned fight, where you probably destroy someone else's property and possible even blow something up, you never end up having to pay damages.

3) If the need arises and a gun is available, you know exactly how to use it. No matter what kind of gun it is and no matter what you did with your life before that moment, even if it had nothing at all to do with guns. Even if you can't spell gun.

4) When you need a car and yours isn't around, there is going to be one with the keys left in it or you are going to know how to hotwire it.

5) You get to do cool stuff on trains. (I mean, think about it. How many people do you know who use trains as a regular means of transport for long distances? But, on tv, trains, train tracks, train stations--all these things seem to play a big role.)

6) Even if you do bad things, people like you. Like if you've ever watched Dexter. I mean, he's a serial killer, but you like him and don't want him to get caught.

7) You have cell phone service pretty much everywhere, including basements and parking garages. And, if you don't have a cell phone, probably because you had to throw it away because you were being tracked by it, there's a pay phone around. Or if you need to call someone to deliver some sort of secret message, you can tell them to go to a pay phone, which will obviously be working. Even though I'm not sure the last time I even saw a pay phone.

8) No matter how supposedly poor you are--or if you are on the run because you just broke out of prison--you will have Ray Ban sunglasses. I mean, Tim Riggins has $200 sunglasses. This principle basically applies to any tv wardrobe. Even if you are supposed to be poor, you will still wear expensive designer clothes.

9) This one isn't me, it's my little sister. You will always have and drink bottled water.

If only I could have wardrobe people and prop people to set up my life.

Clarification and Addition

First, my little sister is forcing me to print a clarification. If she had to date someone, she obviously would, as previously mentioned, choose Jacob. She does, however, think that Edward is a much better fit for Bella. So I guess she's like me. This means that our older sister is apparently the only one of us who can make a decision and is 100% Team Edward.

Second, one last people-watching observation. A girl and her friend came into the theater kind of late. And by kind of late I mean 11:40ish. Naturally, there was nowhere left to sit except for the very front. The girl started to cry--seriously--and said, "I can't sit in the front. I just can't do it." Her friend stared her down and very sternly told her, "We have to. There are no other options. If we don't sit in the front, we have to split up." It was like they were at war. I kind of feel like extreme statements like "there are no other options" should be reserved for actual important conversations--serious life-or-death-type things. Not having to sit in the front row of a movie that, let's face it, if you're into it enough to see it at midnight, you're totally going to come see again.

Tales from the Midnight Hour

I love going to midnight movies because you not only get to see a movie, you get to see crazy people. Last night, I went to the midnight showing of Eclipse. Yes, I'm one of those people. But, I do have to say that my younger sister and I definitely fall more towards the normal side of the Twilight-crazy spectrum. How do I know this you ask. Well, I know because she and I did not do any of the following things:

1) Wear a Twilight-related shirt

If you are an adult woman, you should not be wearing a shirt with Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, or Taylor Lautner on it. (Because that's who is on the shirts--that's Robert Pattinson's face, not Edward Cullen's. He's a fictional character in a book that isn't illustrated and as such doesn't actually have a face that can be screen printed onto fabrics for you to wear.) No one needs to know if you belong to Team Edward or Team Jacob, which brings me to the next thing on my list.

2) Have an actual serious conversation in the bathroom about if you belong to Team Edward or Team Jacob

My little sister returned from the bathroom and told me this story: A girl in a New Moon shirt looked at a girl wearing a shirt that said, "Don't Make Me Choose." I assume this sentiment was not sufficient for New Moon girl because she gave Don't Make Me Choose girl a serious look and asked, "No seriously, who are you for?" (Again, I digress. What's with the team thing. Because teams involve some kind of fighting or battle, and during the only battles that really matter in those books--battles against crazy, people-eating vampires, technically Edward and Jacob are on the same side. Fights over girls don't really count, and sides should not be taken in such cases....especially when it is so obvious who is going to win. I mean, Team Jacob people, let's be honest, why not get shirts that say "I lose.") After some thought, Don't Make Me Choose girl finally responded, "Edward. He's better for her."

(Now I know you're probably thinking I'm a hypocrite because if I'm going to the movies at midnight, I obviously kind of love Twilight. This is true, although I do sometimes try and use my job as an excuse--middle school girls love this stuff and I need to know my demographic. But I do know when to reign it in. I have actually had the Team conversation, and I have to say it is a minor source of friction between my sisters and me. My little sister is firmly planted in Team Jacob. I think this is where she belongs because she has circulation issues so her feet and hands are always cold. Jacob is 108 degrees. My older sister is firmly planted in Team Edward because she thinks Robert Pattinson is dreamy and I guess thinks it's romantic for a boy to be obsessed with you and sneak into your room all the time to watch you sleep. My personal opinion is a bit more complex--partially because I'm a book nerd so I think that the choice should be solely based on what happens in the books, not Robert Pattinson's hair or Taylor Lautner's abs. If I'm making a choice for Bella, I have to go with Team Edward because I find her kind of annoying and him really mopey and I think they deserve each other. If I'm making a choice for me, I have to go with Team Jacob because he's warm all the time, taller, and let's be honest, it would be great if someone imprinted on you. My sisters think this is a cop out answer....I think it makes perfect sense.)

3) Watch the Eclipse preview on a cell phone while sitting in the theater

I wish I was joking about this, but I'm not. Two girls sitting down the row from us were watching the Eclipse preview on one of the girl's cell phones. Seriously. The movie is going to start in about 20 minutes. Why are you watching the preview? Surely you know what it's about or you wouldn't have come to the midnight show. Are you really that into it that you have to watch the preview at regular intervals to get your fix (is the Eclipse preview your brand of heroin)?

Much to my surprise, I actually really enjoyed the movie. But, if you're going to go, make sure you read the book first. And you should probably decide which team you're on so you don't get stuck in the bathroom being asked a question that you're not prepared to answer.