Snow Days...and days...and days...

It snowed on Sunday night, so I didn't have to go to school Monday or Tuesday! And I didn't have to go today! Reason would suggest that I used my time off to grade some of the essays that have piled up....but I haven't. Instead, two of my friends ventured out in the snow Monday morning to pick me up and drive me to their house where I basically spent 2 days bundled in a blanket, listening to records, and reading on my friends' couch. (There may also have been a little of me running and sliding across my friends' hardwood floors in my fleece socks....)I read Water for Elephants. Aside from some uncomfortable scenes regarding abuse (of both women and animals), it was a great book! I also got to sleep under an electric blanket, which pretty much changed my life, and now I have every intention of buying one. Not a bad start to the week. As soon as we found out school was cancelled today, two of my friends called me with the same basic sentiment--what are we going to do stuck at home for another day??? I had a great many thoughts about what to do with all the extra time, but in reality I'm kind of bored....I've spent the large part of my morning watching episodes of How I Met Your Mother, which you can only do for so long before you start to feel pretty lazy and borderline worthless....

Over the past three days, I have spent a good bit of time looking out the window at the snow. One thing about living in the South is that when it snows, life basically comes to a stop for most people. They stay home and don't really venture out anywhere. As a result, this amazing stillness and peace settles over everything. And the blanket of snow that covers everywhere remains largely undisturbed, giving everything you see a clean, perfect look. This made me thing about Jesus and the verse in Isaiah that says, "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow, thought they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool," and how all the cleanliness, all the perfection, all the peace that the snow brings are things I have in Christ.

The other thing about snow though is that, if you live somewhere--like I do--that isn't prepared to deal with it, it can get rather dangerous. It melts a little and then freezes over and turns into ice, which is slippery and treacherous. I thought about it, and this is kind of like what happens to me. I feel like the longer I have been a believer, the farther away I can get from fully realizing my need for Christ. I only see the beautiful, white snow, and I can forget about the dead grass that's underneath. And I can start to get wrapped up in the snow and how great it is...and start to forget life before the snow. And I, like the older brother in the parable of the Prodigal Son, start to take credit for the snow and all the beauty it brings. That's when things start to get slippery...and dangerous.

Thankfully, today the sun is out and is melting away the ice that had pretty much taken over everywhere I live. And thankfully, even when I start to get self-righteous, the light of Christ's love still penetrates my heart and reminds me that my snow-covering is there because of Him.

What's Your Favorite Word?

As an English teacher, this is a question I get asked a lot. I probably get asked so much because I often refer to words as "one of my favorite words ever" or "a word that I love a lot" or "a word that makes my heart happy." I once had a friend who told me I was overly prone to hyperbole. I have no idea what he was talking about. Anyway, whenever they ask, my students usually seem slightly disappointed by my answer. Hope. I think they are imagining some really long word that they have never heard before and have no hope of ever pronouncing on their own, so when they hear a word that they have both heard and mastered the ability to say, I assume their disappointment is great. I then have to go on to explain to them that I like the word not for how it sounds but for what it means. If you look it up in the dictionary (or on dictionary.com), it will tell you that hope means either "the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best" or "to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence." The word holds within it this innate promise. That's what makes it my favorite.

This month for our book club at school, we read a book called Life As We Knew It. It's about a girl who lives in some time in the future. An asteroid hits the moon and knocks it closer to Earth. This results in all sorts of dramatic changes, like massive tidal fluctuations, climate change, and volcanoes that start erupting like crazy. This results in loss of electricity and food shortages. The book is written in first-person and is written like a diary the main character is keeping about her family's struggle to survive in the post-moon-move world. The blurb on the back of the book calls it a documentation of her struggle to hang on to our most important resource--hope. So, you can imagine how excited I was to read a book about my favorite word!

Most of the book, however, is terribly upsetting. This poor girl and her family slowly run out of food, people get sick, people die, and it seems like things are never going to get any better. Throughout their struggles, the characters constantly tell each other that things are going to get better. That things will get back to how they used to be, back to normal. Their hope, really, is in the past.

The characters in the book talk about how the government or NASA or scientists will figure out a solution to move the moon back or make the Earth livable with the moon in it's new spot.

In the book, Miranda comments on why she's writing, and she mentions that one reason is so that people will know the way they lived, so they can remember their struggles. Don't get me wrong, struggles are valuable and important, but one day all my struggles will be forgotten and replaced with an eternal weight of glory that I can't even come close to imagining right now.

As I read it, I couldn't help but be thankful for the hope that I have and for how different my hope is from Miranda's, the novel's narrator. While her hope is in something that may happen, my hope is in a certainty. While her hope is in people she doesn't know and their ability to change all sorts of problems, my hope is in a God who put the moon in exactly the right place so that the tide, the climate, and the volcanoes do exactly what they need to do. While her hope is in the way things used to be and in the fact that someone will remember her, my hope is in the fact that one day, I will be made new and the way I used to be (the way I am now) will be gone.

The dictionary definition of hope works for Miranda. But for me, I would have to change it to "the feeling that what is wanted will be had" or "to look forward to with desire and absolute confidence." Much better if you ask me.

Short-Sighted

Today I read the first part of the story of Jacob and Esau in Genesis 25. Basically, Jacob's inside cooking stew while Esau is out hunting. Esau comes in, and he's really hungry. Jacob, being a great brother, says, "Ok, I'll give you some food if you give me your birthright." Esau's response is "'I am about to die; of what use is a birthright to me?'" (Genesis 25:32). So, they do the swap. Essentially, since Esau was Isaac's firstborn, he's giving up the whole great-nation-out-of-your-descendants thing that God promised Abraham (aka Jacob and Esau's grandpa). He gives up his place in a rather historic lineage for some stew. He gives up something eternal for something fleeting. In his commentary on Genesis, John Calvin wrote of Esau, "hence it happens, that he barters a spiritual for an earthly and fading good."

This got me to thinking. How many times am I like Esau? How often am I concerned with the present, with what I think are my immediate needs, instead of thinking about what would be best in the long-term? How often do I try and take care of myself, meet my own needs in the now instead of trusting and relying on God and His timing. Surely many times each week I declare that I'm about to die if I don't get something (ok, maybe I don't say I'm going to die, but I probably act like it's that big of a deal). And whenever I try and take matters into my own hands, I'm essentially saying to God that my immediate gratification is greater than whatever His plan for my life is, even if it is something much better than what I'm getting myself in the moment. How often do I let trivial, earthly things overshadow the real needs of my heart? I get so caught up in wanting a boyfriend, or perfect students, or more down time, or a nap that I lose sight of what I really need--a Savior, Grace, dealing with my sin, time with the Lord. I run around trying to get some food to meet my physical needs and let my spiritual needs fall by the wayside. I take myself out of God's plan for my life in favor of doing it on my own. I willingly pass over my birthright as an adopted daughter of Christ for stew.

The Thing Called Love/Psalm 7:17 Friday I

I would like to start this by saying I got a record player for Christmas, so while I'm writing, I'm listening to records, which makes me feel kind of totally awesome.

As I wrote earlier, this year I'm really going to focus on my relationship with God. Not that I didn't think about our relationship before--I did. I just think my thoughts were incomplete. Somehow I don't think I really exactly got the whole love part of it. I mean, I never doubted that He loves me, and it was never lost on me that He sent His son to die in the greatest act of love ever. That part I got. I think I was missing the desire and the passion part of it. I have plenty of friends who are married, and they generally want to spend time with their husbands. They do stuff without them, but overall, most of the time, they would rather be doing stuff with them. They tend to like things more when their husbands are there. (I know that seems like a somewhat obvious statement because isn't that how it should be, but bear with me, I'm making a point.) I would look at their relationships and couldn't help but feel like that whole I-want-to-be-with-you-all-the-time thing was supposed to be part of my relationship with Christ, but it wasn't really there. (I feel like that's an ok assumption to make because I think that one thing God designed marriage to be is a metaphor for our relationships with Him--I could go into wedding images in the Bible and reference this really great Tim Keller sermon I listened to once where he talked about how marriage is basically designed to point us to God, but I won't.) So, when I say I want to focus on my relationship with Him, that's what I'm talking about because that's the part I don't think has been there. I like Him. I appreciate Him. But I don't really desire Him.

In addition to reading the Bible, I've also been reading Brennan Manning's book The Furious Longing of God. It's basically about how God is crazy in love with us. In the first chapter, he talks about how he began verse 7:10 from Song of Solomon. It reads, "I am my beloved's and his desire is for me." Manning encourages the people reading his book to start praying the verse too, so I did. I prayed that I would begin to see myself as Christ's beloved, as someone Christ desires. And I prayed that I would begin to see Christ as my beloved, as someone I desire. Funny thing, as I've often found happens when we pray Scriptures back to God, the prayers are usually answered.

Anyone who knows me will attest to the fact that I'm not really a morning person. Over the years, I have developed a habit of sleeping until the last possible second. I even have to set two alarm clocks every morning--one by my bed, the other in my bathroom--so that I literally have to get out of bed and walk into another room to turn it off (this doesn't stop me from hitting snooze at least 3 times on each....). I don't wake up earlier than I absolutely have to. For anything. But since I'm trying to read my Bible every day, I decided I would try reading it in the mornings before school. Monday it was pretty easy to get up because it was new and kind of exciting (and because I remembered to set my coffee maker, so there was coffee ready when my alarm went off). I read my daily Bible stuff and read some of the Brennan Manning book and felt pretty good about myself. I also prayed the Song of Solomon verse. Tuesday it was pretty easy too. By Wednesday though, something was different.

If you're a girl, you can probably think of multiple movies where a guy has used some version of the you're-the-first-thing-I-want-to-see-when-I-wake-up line when he's telling a girl how much he loves her or asking her to marry him. It's very sweet, and whenever you hear it you do that thing where you awwww and put your hand over your heart and then use your hand to fan your eyes because you think you might cry because that is just so sweet and if a guy ever said that to you you might just die right then and there because life probably couldn't get any better than that moment. If you're a girl, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Well, usually when my alarm goes off, I get angry because I don't want to get up. But on Wednesday, my alarm went off, and I didn't mind it so much. Instead of my usual anger, all I really felt was excited because that meant I got to spend time with Jesus. I had that you're-the-first-thing-I-want-to-see-when-I-wake-up feeling about Him. I got my coffee and curled back in bed with my Bible. I read my passages for the day and spent some quiet time praying and just being with God. And I felt totally giddy about it--like head-over-heels giddy. I felt like I was in love.

I got ready for school and ran outside to start my car, and when I did, I saw the most amazing sunrise. The sky was a deep, bright pink and streaked with clouds. It caught me a little off guard because it was so beautiful. I skipped back into my house to finish getting ready, and all I could think was "Wow, Jesus loves me. He really loves me." After all, He had just written a love note for me in the sky. As I gathered up my things for school, all I wanted to do was not have to go. And not for the reasons I feel sometimes--it had nothing to do with talkative, unmotivated students. I didn't want to go because I wanted to crawl back into bed, read more of my Bible, and just spend more time with Christ. And I realized that was what I've been really missing. The feeling that I could never get enough of Jesus. And it was a nice feeling.

This morning, I read Psalm 7:17, which says, "I will give to the Lord the thanks due to his righteousness, and I will sing praise to the name of the Lord, the Most High." I don't really do that too often, so I decided that since it's the first Friday of 2011 it would be a good Friday to start a weekly feature on my blog. I decided to call it Psalm 7:17 Friday. So from now on, I'm planning to have a post every Friday where I reflect back on, thank God for, and praise Him for some of the things He did during the week. Here goes....

-A mom who is a beautiful example of a Godly woman, a constant source of support and encouragement, and a shining beacon of God's unconditional love

-The Bible and that some people divided it up into nice daily readings

-Friends who are believers

-Sunrises

-Answered prayers

How Old Am I Really??

Occasionally a student will slip up and call me mom in class. I like to think that I'm friendly and caring and that my students aren't afraid to come to me if they need help, so it doesn't bother me when it happens. But today a student called me grandma. Seriously. I am getting over a pretty nasty cold, so I know I don't look my best plus I don't have much of a voice, but I didn't know I looked old enough to be a grandmother.....In her defense, she was about to tell me a story about her grandma's new puppy. So I guess it's ok.

Little Edens

I'm kind of ashamed to say this, but I don't read the Bible as much as I should. If I love God, shouldn't I want to read His word to me? Probably. So one of my goals for this year is to read through the entire Bible. I got myself a snazzy ESV one-year Bible, and I am proud to report that as of this morning, I have read my section for each day. I know it's only been three days, but I'm still pretty pleased with myself (mainly because this morning I actually woke up early and read it before I went to school)!

Growing up in church, I heard the story of creation and the story of the fall a lot. God makes Adam and Eve. God tells them not to eat out of this one tree. They do. They get kicked out of Eden because they sin. So, I was honestly planning to breeze through the early stuff in my one-year Bible. As usual, my plan was stupid and wrong and didn't make a whole ton of sense. As I was reading, I came across Genesis 3:22-23:

"Then the Lord God said, 'Behold, the man has become like one of us in knowing good and evil. Now, lest he reach out his hand and take also of the tree of life and eat, and live forever--' therefore the Lord God sent him out from the garden of Eden to work the ground from which he was taken."

So yeah, Adam and Eve kind of have to leave because they ate from the wrong tree, but that's not really what that verse says. God sends them out of the garden so they won't eat from the tree of life. Yeah, we think that getting cast out was the worst thing that could have happened to Adam and Eve, but it wasn't. The worst thing would have been living forever in their sin, and that's what God saved them from. It wasn't so much that casting them out was punishment. It was an act of love.

This got me to thinking. I'm sure that there were times when Adam and Eve really missed Eden. They probably thought about it longingly and thought that if they could just somehow get back, their problems would be over. Little did they know that waiting inside what they thought was perfection was something incredibly dangerous to them. I think that we all have Edens in our lives. Something we think will make us happy, something we think will solve our problems, something we think will be just what we need. For me, it's things like a relationship, getting time to myself, not having to think about money ever again, or having a house one day with a library in it. Sometimes I think about these things, and I really want them. They start to seem like the perfect thing to me. I start to want them so much that I get angry with God for not giving them to me. But just like God kept Adam and Eve out of Eden for their own protection, I think He keeps my little Edens from me because He knows me better than I know myself. He knows it's better for me if I don't have the things I often think I need so badly because He knows that they would be dangerous for me. So instead of being upset that I don't get what I want, I can be thankful that God loves me enough to not give me whatever I ask for because He's looking out for me.

Let's be honest, anyone who knows me knows that if I had a big library in my house I might never see the sun--or another human being--again. That's probably why God hasn't let me have one yet....

Return!

Since it's a new year, I decided it was time for me to return to blogging. And since it's a new year, I also decided it was a good time to do some reflecting on last year and give myself a new direction for my blog.

I set off last year to embrace being single and celebrate myself. While some of it was fun, most of it didn't quite go how I was expecting. My plan was that doing all sorts of fun things would make me excited to be single even though most of my friends are married. It kind of backfired...a little...and I spent a lot of time being pretty sad about it. And a lot of time being convicted over my pride and selfishness.

I just finished reading The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, the third book in C.S. Lewis's Chronicles of Narnia series. (I saw the movie too--totally not as good as the book...but is anyone surprised by that? Not really.) There's a part in the book when one of the characters, Eustace, gets turned into a dragon. Eventually he turns back into a boy, and he tells Edmund the story of how he got un-dragoned. Basically, Aslan comes and gets him one night, and they walk away from where everyone else is asleep. Eustace tries a few times to take off his dragon skin, but every time he tries, it grows back. After the failed attempts, Aslan tells Edmund that he's going to have to take off the skin for him. Here's the passage where Aslan takes it off for him:

"The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off....Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off--just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt--and there it was, lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly-looking than the others had been. And there was I as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been."

I feel like that describes last year for me. I tried and tried to make myself ok with being single. But every time I tried, it, like Eustace's dragon skin, just came back. No matter what I did to convince myself I was fine, I couldn't do it. And finally, late in the spring, God brought me to the place where He told me that He had to do it for me. I had to admit to Him that I was sad. I had to admit that my life hadn't ended up the way I thought it would and that I was upset and angry about it. I had to let Him change my heart into a heart that delighted in Him and trusted Him with every part of my life. And when I did, He took my dragon skin off and it stayed off. It hurt. A lot. And it went deeper than I thought. But it was worth it because I knew that God was turning me into the girl I was supposed to be. He was setting me free.

So now, when I say that I'm ok being single, I can say it and mean it. Because it's true. Like Eustace, I'm sure I'll have some relapses, but "the cure has begun."

So in that spirit, I've given myself a new focus for the year. Last year was about loving myself....this year is about loving God. Last year was about being single. This year is about having a relationship with Him. Last year was about serving myself. This year is about how God wants to use me in this season of my life to serve Him and to serve others. I think it's going to be better than last year.