Sinful Sinner

The more mature I become as a Christian, the more of a failure I see I am. This week I was in a situation where my own sins of selfishness, jealousy, and my need for acceptance and praise from others became painfully clear to me. So I found myself reflecting on my own thoughts/feelings/actions and comparing them to the thoughts/feelings/actions that I, as a Christian, should have. My life should be centered on the Gospel, and out of that I should be satisfied and accepted in Christ and should gladly suffer and serve others, seeking nothing for myself. The more I thought, the more upset and discouraged I became because I had in my mind a list of feelings I should have had, but I couldn't make myself feel them. I knew what my actions should have been, but no matter how many times I told myself to, I couldn't joyfully do them. If I know what my sin is and I know how my life should be, I asked myself, why can't I change it? Why can't I make myself stop sinning?

The answer is because I can't. I can't change myself. I can't overcome my sin. Thankfully, because of Christ, my sin has been taken care of. It's been forgiven. In Him, my sin has been overcome. I, apparently, have issues believing and accepting that.

As I thought about that and how it relates to how I feel about my sin, I realized that my sin just makes me more sinful...or just reveals more of my sin. I don't get upset about my sin because of how it hurts God. I get upset because it hurts me--it makes me feel bad about myself, it makes me feel like I'm not a good Christian (whatever that means....). I don't get upset about my sin because of how it affects or hurts other people. I get upset because I'm afraid of how it's going to affect my relationships with other people. Of how it might make me lose a friend or how it might make someone not like me (gasp). I get upset because I can't make myself be perfect, because, no matter how hard I work, I can't make myself better.

Recently I've started thinking about buying a house, and in general, whenever I think about it, I get overwhelmed and wish that I were married so the decision wasn't just mine. When I think about having a house, I get nervous thinking about taking care of it by myself. But, when I think about my sin, I get frustrated that I can't handle it on my own. I crave self-sufficiency in areas of my life where it's impossible to have it, areas where it is unnecessary, and I fear it in places where it is possible.

I guess all that goes to show me just how much I need Jesus. Just how messed up I am. Just how thankful I should be. And just how much I really don't get it.