What if it's the Teacher Who Fails?

I never really thought of myself as someone who based my self-worth on my performance. When I was in high school, if I could get a B without really doing much work, I was ok with that. It didn't really matter to me that I was capable of getting an A if I worked harder. I never felt like I had to be the best at everything I did.

So, as I was sitting in church Sunday listening the the sermon and the pastor was talking about performance, I started to get into one of those mindsets that thinks," yeah, this is great but it's really not that applicable to me." Then, he started talking about some areas in his life where he had realized lately that he could do a better job. He had shared this with a friend, and his friend's response was, "Jesus lived and died for people who fail."

I started to replay all the afternoons lately when I walked down to my friend's room at the end of the school day to unload because my last class had been so bad. All I could hear myself saying to her was, "I feel like a failure. I'm not teaching them anything--as a teacher, I'm totally failing." All I could think about were the countless afternoons I went home with this feeling of failure, the hours I had put into planning things I thought would work only to see them fail the next day, the anger I had over my own perceived failure and how that anger seeped into my feelings and actions towards my students. Then, I thought about Jesus, and I thought about grace.

Normally, when I think of grace I only think of it in the context of my salvation. I deserve death, an eternity separated from God, but instead I get Heaven. That's grace. That's true, but that's not all of it. Grace doesn't just get me Heaven; it covers all my failures and shortcomings. Grace is there for me at 3:00 when I've gotten angry and frustrated, when I feel like I've failed. Grace is there, and it means that when God looks at me He doesn't see a failure; He doesn't even see someone who's just ok. He sees his daughter with whom He is well pleased.

Sitting in church at that moment, it was like a light bulb went off, two things that I had never put together before came together and made perfect sense. And all of a sudden, this part of my heart that had felt burdened and chained up was set free. All the times I feel discouraged and like a failure during class are beautiful reminders to me that I need Jesus. Not just reminders that I need Him, but reminders that He has done exactly what I needed Him to do. Jesus lived and died for me because I fail. He is there with me when I fail. His grace covers me when I fail.

So instead of beating myself up over all my perceived failures, I can rejoice in His love. In His promise that, as long as I'm here, He's working to make me more like Him. And sometimes that's really hard, but I'm not alone--Jesus is there to pick me up when I fall, and His grace is more than enough to cover all the bumps and scrapes I get on the way down. Because of His grace, I'm not a failure; I'm His beloved child.

So, yes there are probably some days when my students don't learn much from me about Language Arts. But that's ok. Jesus lived and died for teachers who fail.