Surprise! It's My Birthday!

I was slightly tempted to take today off school because it's my birthday, but I'm glad I didn't. I totally racked up. And by that I mean I got one birthday rap and two surprise birthday parties! Thanks students!! Perhaps the cutest thing was the massive party that my last class planned for me. And by massive, I mean they all brought food--there were cupcakes, brownies, cookies, doughnuts, Star Crunches, cookie cake, chips, cheese doodles, and drinks. They even remembered to bring plates and cups! They were so pleased with themselves--and I acted completely surprised--just like I didn't notice them being sneaky and passing each other a sign-up sheet yesterday. It was adorable! They may not do schoolwork, but they can party plan!

Happy Birthday!

To me! One reason I'm glad to be single is that it gives me an excuse to buy myself great presents on holidays (Christmas, Valentine's Day, my Birthday, I'm thinking about an Easter gift this year).

Tomorrow I'm turning 26. Or as someone pointed out to me at school today, I'm on the "thirty side of the twenties." She said it like it was some great thing. All it did was make me want to wear head-to-toe black tomorrow.

I probably won't (mainly because I bought myself a fab new birthday dress), but if I did, it would highlight my Birthday gift to myself, which arrived today.

I think that women in general have started to think that nice jewelry should only come their way in the form of a gift from a boy. Well, I decided that was wrong. Why should I sit around and wait for some guy to come along and buy me jewelry when he probably wouldn't pick out something I liked anyway? (After all, not all men have Richard Gilmore's perfect taste in jewelry.) I decided to buy myself jewelry for my birthday. I'm going to be 26, so it's time I stopped waiting for a guy to buy it anyway. And I decided that any jewelry wasn't good enough-I needed something from Tiffany's.

Let me just start by saying that the entire online shopping experience at Tiffany's is unlike any other. The customer service e-mail confirming my order was maybe the most courteous e-mail I've ever received. My package arrived today, so I ran by my house on the way to computer class to pick it up. I had a quick moment in my car during which I tore open the box and unfolded the tissue paper to reveal my lovely blue box. With its lovely white bow. Inside was a lovely blue pouch that contained my lovely new necklace, which I promptly put on and wore to computer class. I must say, it made me feel rather fabulous.

Call me materialistic or a label snob, I really don't care right now--my necklace and I are very happy together.

The Grace Experiment: Part 4

Today was an amazing day. And by amazing, I mean that my last class was quiet, focused, and on task for the whole block (well, they might have lost it during the last 5 minutes, but those don't count)!! I actually got to walk around and help individual students instead of policing everyone. It was fabulous!

During class a student asked me if I had a copy of The Giving Tree (I suspect this is because he was tired of his novel and wanted a book with pictures....). I don't, but his mention of the book got me to thinking.

Being a teacher is a lot like being the Giving Tree. By the end, the tree has given everything he has; he's just a stump. But he isn't angry about it at all. At the beginning of the school year, I'm a full-grown teacher--with branches and apples to give. Throughout the fall semester, that's exactly what I do, and over Christmas break I get a little break to regrow. But, by this time in the year, I feel like I've given everything I've got to give. I'm a stump. Unlike the tree, however, I'm not exactly thrilled about being a stump. I want to be a tall tree.

What's the difference between me and the tree? What's the tree's trick to being happy about being a stump, being happy about giving all of himself away? The tree has accepted his purpose. He knows he's a tree, and he knows he exists to provide certain things. The tree loves unconditionally. He just wants the boy to be happy. The tree gives. He doesn't just give enough; he gives sacrificially. He gives until he literally can't give any more because of his love for the boy and because he knows that's what he was created to do.

How would I change if I was like the tree in those respects? If I totally accepted that teaching was God's purpose for my life. If I looked at my life as being for other people, not for me. If I loved my students unconditionally--not for what they did or didn't do for me but because they are here now, in my life, and placed there for me to love. If I did those things, I think I would be more willing to give to them, so all the time I spend planning and grading wouldn't be something I resented. I would be glad to be giving to my students. And when I'm worn down and tired, I wouldn't be angry. I would rejoice in the fact that God was using me, and I would have peace in knowing that I had done all I could, that I had given everything I had to achieve the purpose set out for me.

So this week, I'm going to work on being more like a tree.

Who Needs a Husband...

when they have a mom? Earlier today, my mom offered to come pick up my car from my school one day and take it to get the oil changed (and she hadn't even read my earlier post!). I guess when we take Him our burdens, Jesus does sometimes take them away. And He uses moms to do it.

Can You Ever Just Be Whelmed?

I think, if you are a teacher, the answer is no. Or at least it is for me. I spend most of my time at school, planning for school, creating for school (by creating I mean making up stuff to do in class because we don’t use our textbooks, so the other LA teachers and I basically make everything we do from scratch), grading stuff from school, or worrying about school. I’ve had a particularly overwhelming few weeks (evidenced by my lack of blog posts). It culminated this past Thursday when I lost it after school. I went to my friend’s room, collapsed into a desk, and basically told her I didn’t know what to do anymore—I had so much schoolwork to do, but I was so tired and because of all the work I didn’t even have time to be tired. How are people supposed to live like this I wanted to know.

As I tried to keep my meltdown from reaching critical mass, another friend came in, looked at me, and asked if I was ok. Her question was the tipping point. My answer came out in a flood of words that sounded something like this:

My sixth block is so ridiculous I don’t know what to do anymore, I have way too much grading to do and not enough time to do it all, I’m turning 26 in two weeks and I don’t even have a boyfriend, and my birthday is the same day my dad died and that sucks all the time.

And I started to cry.

Then on the way home while I talked to my little sister, I realized that the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament had started that day and I had not filled out a bracket. Not only had I not filled out a bracket, but I hadn’t watched an entire college basketball game all season. For people who don’t know me that well, this might not seem like a big deal. But, trust me, it is. It goes back to when I was a little girl. I would watch college basketball with my dad. During the tournament, I would work on brackets with my dad. And when he died, I kept doing it because it is a little piece of him that I get to keep alive, like it’s something I still get to share with him. Through high school and college, my little sister and I watched tons of college basketball and spent hours on our brackets every year (which was always worth it when our brackets turned out better than all our guy friends’) And, until he died last October, my grandpa always sent me a copy of his bracket in the mail, so now it’s about my grandpa too. In summary, I love college basketball and the tournament is huge for me.

So when I realized that this year I hadn’t even really thought about it and that I had been so wrapped up in school that I didn’t even get around to filling out a bracket, it felt like I had somehow stopped being myself, and I couldn’t help but wonder how I had gotten a job that left me no time to be myself. This, on top of the fact that I’ve been having some serious Max days (the days where I’m lonely and want to be where someone loves me best of all) lately, was enough to push me over the edge and sent me into a sobbing-induced nap on Thursday afternoon.

Once I had some post-nap clarity, I was able to start processing what my problem is. I just can’t seem to figure out how to do everything in my life. How am I supposed to be a good, well-prepared, loving teacher and still have a life of my own? How can I teach while maintaining my relationships—with my family, my friends, my high school girls who I want to spend a lot of time with because they are getting ready to graduate and go off to college? And how am I supposed to do both those things and still do normal life stuff like laundry and going to the grocery store???

Examples: Last week, I had my high school girls over for dinner because it was the first time in a long time when all three of them had the same night free. One of my best friends was in Haiti last week, so I wanted to hang out with him this week because I missed talking to him while he was gone and because I wanted to hear all about his trip. I love these people. I want to spend time with these people. I enjoyed spending time with these people. But the whole time, there was a little voice in my head reminding me of all the grading I needed to do that I could have been doing instead. I’m not a big fan of this. It’s like I always have to choose: life or school. I always use this as a reason for being glad to be single—I don’t have time for a new relationship when I clearly don’t have time for the ones I already have, right?? The problem is that I’m tired of feeling like I always have to make a choice.

So what’s a girl to do? I’m obviously not marrying a super-rich guy anytime soon, so quitting my job isn’t really an option. I really like my friends, so getting rid of them all isn’t really an option either. I feel confident that God has called me to teach, and I know He calls us to have relationships, but surely I’m not supposed to feel this overwhelmed all the time.

One thing that’s been happening to me a lot lately is that I’ve started to see Bible verses I’ve read a ton before in a new light; it’s been rater exciting really. In the middle of my overwhelmed-life crisis, Matthew 11:28-30 came to mind. The verses about those who labor and are heavy laden going to Jesus and getting rest for their souls. I can’t really recall a time in my life when I thought I was really “heavy laden” until now.

I find that usually the Holy Spirit puts verses on my heart when they are particularly applicable—he’s cool like that—but as I though about it, I couldn’t help but think that I couldn’t really see how Jesus was going to be much help in bearing the burden of my everyday life.

I have a friend who has a very helpful husband. He cleans. He cooks. He’s even helped her enter grades before. He’s pretty much fabulous. Sometimes when she’s had a particularly stressful day, she’ll get home and he will have cleaned up and made dinner for her. Naturally, she tells me about it when we get to school the next day, and while I think it is absolutely amazing and am so glad that she has such a wonderful husband (because she is totally fantastic and totally deserves it), I can’t help but feel a little sad/jealous twinge because I don’t have that. When I am overwhelmed with my life, I still have to clean up and make food for myself when I get home, and there are some days when I just really wish there would be someone there at home to do it for me--or at least someone to do it with me. When I think of someone taking my burden, that’s what I think about, and I don’t really see Jesus doing that. (I mean, I know that if He wanted to He could become a person, come to my house, clean my room, and make me dinner. I don’t know if I would want Him to though because if I got home from school one day and found Jesus standing there with dinner and a glass of wine I would see it as a sign that I had actually lost my mind. This would probably just make things worse.)

So, despite the fact that I didn’t really understand how Jesus was going to take this particular heavy burden away, I decided it couldn’t hurt to take it to Him anyway, and even though it didn’t really make sense to me, I took it to Jesus and laid it all on the table, trusting that somehow He would help. I had a really honest conversation with Him that went a little something like this:

I’m tired and I’m lonely and I just wish I had someone to share my life with, someone to share the boring, everyday stuff with, someone who would feed me when I had had a really bad day, someone who would get the oil changed in my car—or at least take me to get it done, someone who would help me take care of all life’s little things. Because doing everything alone is overwhelming and I’m really tired of it. And I don’t know how much longer I can handle it.

Then I cried some more and fell asleep.

When I woke up this morning, I felt strangely better. Nothing had changed—I still have more grading to do than should be humanly possible or legal, I still don’t have a boyfriend—but I guess overnight Jesus worked some magic to give me the strength to keep doing it, and to keep doing it as a single girl. I guess that’s what the verses in Matthew are really talking about. He’s not going to physically take my burdens away, He’s just going to give me His strength to deal with them, which is exactly what I need because my own strength is obviously nowhere near enough.

The Grace Experiment: Part 3

Today I planned a review game for my last class. Out of the 14 students, nine were actively engaged, which is pretty good. It's a definite improvement from the typical two or three. Overall, things are getting better with them. I'm trying to be more patient and understanding, and I know that pretty much everyone who knows me is praying for this class. Not a bad combination.

The nine who actively participated today will be handsomely rewarded tomorrow...with candy.

But, tomorrow we start our state's standardized testing, and I am very afraid of how my last class is going to be when it is even later in the day and they had testing for several hours in the morning...yikes!

Kindle and More

Monday! We are learning how to make PowerPoints. I made one last night, so....

My friend tried on a wedding dress this weekend. Yeah, she's single. She showed me a picture of her in the dress; she looked quite nice.

One thing I like about being single is the fact that I have total control over my finances, so when I decided that I needed to get an Amazon Kindle, I could get an Amazon Kindle (I had to start doing homebound for a student to earn the money, but I get to spend my homebound money however I want). My Kindle came on Saturday. I don't know how I lived without it. It is like a small piece of my heart has found its way home. There is just something about knowing that I could have a book in a minute. Like if I was at the store and I really wanted to read something in a book, I could get it. I mean, I would have to pay for it, but it's there. Just the thought is pretty intoxicating to a book nerd like me. (And yes, little sister, I know that I have to go back and put Kindle books in my budget.) What's even better is that you can get a lot of books for free. Pride and Prejudice, totally free. The Count of Monte Cristo, totally free too. It's amazing. Plus, I can read my blog on it. If I ever felt like reading myself. Which I never do because that would be a tad concieded. It's not like I sometimes go back and reread the paper I wrote in college on The Sun Also Rises that got an A. I never do that. Ever.

If you're ever bored and you have a computer handy, clip art can be pretty entertaining.

It's a non-Bible Study week, so that means I get tater tots after class today!! In a few weeks I can get a Lemon Berry Slush too! Or I can at least start ordering combos again. Now I'm that weird girl who orders a cheeseburger, tater tots, and no drink. I don't like being the weird girl (I mean, I don't mind being weird, but I don't want to be weird for that reason.)

In 15 days I will be 26. I'm not really sure how I feel about this.

I think I am going to start having quotes of the day in my class. It would help my students work on paraphrasing, but really I just think it would be fun. I'm going to spend the rest of computer class researching quotes that I want my students to talk about. (If there's a quote you like, post it in the comments, so I can use it with my class.)

Happy Monday!

The Grace Experiment: Part 2

I entered 6th block today hopeful that yesterday's grace-giving would prompt better behavior. I'm not sure if it was getting to go outside yesterday or the fact that our assistant principal observed class today, but my students were slightly better behaved than usual. They got to do an activity on the Smartboard reviewing homophones, and I typically don't let them change the size and position of the words (things like making the "their," "there," or "thery're" really big before they drag the correct one to the sentence), but today I did. So instead of punishing them for playing around, I let them play--because it doesn't really matter if the "they're" is gigantic as long as that's the correct word. Hopefully tomorrow will bring more improvment in their behavior!

I realize I've gotten pretty far off my original blog topic, and since I'm reviewing with my students the difference between relevant and irrlevant details right now, I thought I would explain how all my school stuff is relevant to my single year. I'm learning a lot. A lot about my students. Even more about God. And even more about myself. All this learning has meant I've needed a lot of time to process and think. And that means I've needed a lot of time alone. I've also been learning a lot about relationships and what it means to love--other people and God. With everything I'm learning, I can honestly say that I would not have been the best person to be in a relationship with at the beginning of the year, so I'm really glad I'm not! I've need my space to grow.

The Grace Experiment: Part 1

Where does grace fit in a public school classroom? The relationship between the teacher and her students for one. In light of all I've been learning about grace since Sunday, I've decided to extend a little to my crazy class. It is a beautiful day outside, so we are going to go outside for independent reading. Usually, I reserve going outside as a reward or privilage, so by old standards, this class would not even be allowed near a window. But today, I'm going to give them some grace, give them something they don't deserve. And I'm fully prepared to keep extending grace when we get outside and they don't behave. We'll see how it goes.

What if it's the Teacher Who Fails?

I never really thought of myself as someone who based my self-worth on my performance. When I was in high school, if I could get a B without really doing much work, I was ok with that. It didn't really matter to me that I was capable of getting an A if I worked harder. I never felt like I had to be the best at everything I did.

So, as I was sitting in church Sunday listening the the sermon and the pastor was talking about performance, I started to get into one of those mindsets that thinks," yeah, this is great but it's really not that applicable to me." Then, he started talking about some areas in his life where he had realized lately that he could do a better job. He had shared this with a friend, and his friend's response was, "Jesus lived and died for people who fail."

I started to replay all the afternoons lately when I walked down to my friend's room at the end of the school day to unload because my last class had been so bad. All I could hear myself saying to her was, "I feel like a failure. I'm not teaching them anything--as a teacher, I'm totally failing." All I could think about were the countless afternoons I went home with this feeling of failure, the hours I had put into planning things I thought would work only to see them fail the next day, the anger I had over my own perceived failure and how that anger seeped into my feelings and actions towards my students. Then, I thought about Jesus, and I thought about grace.

Normally, when I think of grace I only think of it in the context of my salvation. I deserve death, an eternity separated from God, but instead I get Heaven. That's grace. That's true, but that's not all of it. Grace doesn't just get me Heaven; it covers all my failures and shortcomings. Grace is there for me at 3:00 when I've gotten angry and frustrated, when I feel like I've failed. Grace is there, and it means that when God looks at me He doesn't see a failure; He doesn't even see someone who's just ok. He sees his daughter with whom He is well pleased.

Sitting in church at that moment, it was like a light bulb went off, two things that I had never put together before came together and made perfect sense. And all of a sudden, this part of my heart that had felt burdened and chained up was set free. All the times I feel discouraged and like a failure during class are beautiful reminders to me that I need Jesus. Not just reminders that I need Him, but reminders that He has done exactly what I needed Him to do. Jesus lived and died for me because I fail. He is there with me when I fail. His grace covers me when I fail.

So instead of beating myself up over all my perceived failures, I can rejoice in His love. In His promise that, as long as I'm here, He's working to make me more like Him. And sometimes that's really hard, but I'm not alone--Jesus is there to pick me up when I fall, and His grace is more than enough to cover all the bumps and scrapes I get on the way down. Because of His grace, I'm not a failure; I'm His beloved child.

So, yes there are probably some days when my students don't learn much from me about Language Arts. But that's ok. Jesus lived and died for teachers who fail.

Computers...UGH!

It's Monday. Computer day. And there was no shortage of technology today. One of the IT people from my district came today to work on the computers in my room because they hadn't installed the new antivirus software that they were supposed to install at the end of January. So the tech guy is sitting at my desk working on my computer when my last block students came in. One of my girls looked at him and said, "Are you her husband?" I immediately told her no and reminded her that she knows I'm not married. It wouldn't have been an issue except for the fact that the IT guy looked oddly offended. Seriously. I mean, you don't even know me buddy. How do you know that being married to me wouldn't be the best thing ever? You don't need to look at my student like she just told you she thinks you're fat and ugly. So then I was oddly offended. But he did fix my computer, so I guess it's ok. Needless to say, I came to computer class today with a bit of a bitter taste in my mouth in regards to technology.

We're working on Excel today. Right now, we're doing a fake gradebook. I put in the names of actually students, and I'm giving the ones who bother me really bad grades. It is strangely satisfying. My friend didn't want to use real students, so she is using names of friends and family. I made sure to instruct her that she has to give me better grades than her boyfriend. Up to this point, she is obliging. I'm rocking a 97. Boyfriend has a 91.

I made a pie chart!

The person who brought snacks today brought Pringles. I've eaten two packs. They're Sour Cream and Onion, so I guess I should only need half a can. (That's a Win a Date With Tad Hamilton reference in case you missed it).

I have now made three pie charts. It is no longer cool, but I do know that I have 23% of the fake boys and 26% of the fake girls in fake 7th grade.

My Netflix queue is sufficiently managed. The final disc of The Tudors: Season 3 is on the way to me. As soon as the second disc, which I mailed today, gets back, I will be getting The Hurt Locker.

I think I'm getting out at 6:30 tonight!

New fact: wearing shorts in Haiti means you are homosexual. Thanks to my friend--who is in Haiti right now with all his shorts since no one bothered to tell him this fact until he was getting on a plane--for this interesting piece of news.

On that note, I'm going to sign off for today. With this note--I never wear shorts. Some people think this is weird. Perhaps, buried somewhere deep, there is part of my subconscious that is Haitian.

How it All Began

My college roommate came to visit me this weekend. I love whenever I get to see her because our relationship is easy. We lived together for two-and-a-half years. We know each other. So no matter how much time passes between when we talk or see each other, we just sort of slip back into step. When I need something or when I just want to talk, she's there. She'll drive four hours to see me and then spend the weekend watching a bunch of stuff with me about dead British people (Bright Star, The Young Victoria, and The Tudors). She might, in fact, be my only friend who would have willingly watched my John Keats movie with me--I attribute this to the fact that she lived with me in college when my love of all things Keats began. But really, she drove four hours to get here, and we basically watched movies. Our relationship is one of those where we can just be quiet, we don't have to talk all the time, but it still works. It's like your favorite pair of shoes or pajamas. Comfortable.

We've been friends for so long that's it's easy to forget why we started being friends in the first place. We met during sorority recruitment our freshman year of college (we ended up joining the same sorority). We were sitting on the front porch of a sorority house waiting to go inside. It was a relationship of necessity really; we were both bored and needed someone to talk to, so we just started talking to each other. That was seven and a half years ago, and she is still one of my best friends. I guess my point is that, in our lives so full of relationships, we get used to them, we forget how they started, we start taking them for granted.

As I sat in church this morning, I realized that this is what has happened with my relationship with God.

I feel like I've gotten to a point where I am so busy doing what God's called me to do (like teaching) that I don't have time to spend with just God anymore. And I think so much about what I need God for in the middle of the day (like loving my students) that I forget how our relationship started. I'm used to God being there, so I take Him for granted.

It hit me almost immediately how ridiculous this is. Yes, God has called me to teach. But what He has really called me to is a relationship with Him. And yes, He gives me the strength to deal with difficult students. But what He's really done for me is so much greater than that. To get at it, you have to go back to how our relationship started.

Like everyone in this world, I was a messed up sinner who had no hope of saving herself. Enter God, who knew me completely, knew how messed up I was, and decided I was worth it anyway. This is how our relationship started. So while now I think I need God to get me through the tough parts of my day, the reality is that I really needed Him to save me from myself. He didn't do it so that I could teach one day. He did it because He loves me. Because He wants a relationship with me.

Remembering how our relationship started puts things back in the right perspective. I don't need God because I'm a teacher. I need God because I'm a sinner.

Welcome Back/Computer Monday Part Two

It's time for the usual Monday disjointed computer class post!

I'm now happily in the middle of computer class, and I can proudly say that I learned something new today! I also made a flyer for my fictional essay contest. It's a 500-1000 word essay on this topic: The Book that Changed my Life. The prize (and I'm copying this from the flyer) is:

The Grand Prize winner will receive the honor of being called Ms. Bower’s Favorite Seventh Grader

I know, you so want to enter my contest. My fake flyer has also made me think about books that have changed my life. Perhaps I will start posting about them.

After making a fake flyer, I update my Netflix queue. I've been watching a lot online lately, so my queue for real DVDs needed some serious maintenance. I discovered that the movie Bright Star is now out on DVD. If you're wondering why you have never heard of this movie, the answer is because you are normal. You're not an English-geek like me. The movie tells the love story between John Keats (my favorite poet) and some lucky girl named Fanny Brawne (although I have to say, if you have the misfortune of being named Fanny, you deserve a romantic poet boyfriend, although maybe not one who dies really young from TB). Because I love Keats, this movie took the number one spot from the first disc of The Tudors: Season 3. I'm really excited.

On another Keats note, Amazon has a book that goes with the movie that is poems and letters Keats wrote to/about Fanny Brawne. I have his collected works, so I don't need the poetry, but I totally want the letters. The only problem here is that, when you are an English-nerd like me, you find out facts like this one--Keats left in his will that he wanted his letters to Franny to be destroyed. I'm pretty sure I remember reading that they were (I'm not sure how that worked since she would have had them--maybe they were destroyed once she died too). The point is, he obviously didn't want people reading them. So, I'm left with and English-geek dilemma. Do I read the letters, which I would most likely love, or do I respect the wishes of my favorite dead poet? Because I have English morals and believe in authorial integrity, I'm leaning towards not reading them. It's possible I could break down at a later date.

My friend and I brought snacks for our computer class tonight. Usually there are leftovers. Class isn't over yet, and our snacks are gone. Not to brag or anything, but I guess we are that awesome.

Now we're doing Excel, so I'm going to have to pay attention. Boo! Has anyone ever thought about playing Battleship in Excel? You totally could. I'm going to make this happen.

I'm not looking forward to The Bachelor tonight. Since for some reason the "winner" of this season is perhaps the worst-kept secret of all time, I'm sad and upset (not because I know, because of who he picks). But I'm still going to watch.

Excel involves math. Double Boo!!

I should make a budget. Should being the key word.

One of my friends is a nurse. He's going to Haiti on Friday. I'm jealous and wish I had a job that let me travel and do cool things. But I'm a teacher; that's why I read.

I'm going to the grocery store on my way home! Plus, on the Mondays I don't have Bible study, I get to drive through Sonic and get tater tots as my "I survived class" present! It's going to be amazing!

That's all for class--bring on the stupid Bachelor finale.

Welcome Back/Computer Monday Part One

First off, apologies for my week-long absence from the blogosphere. Last week I had one of those weeks where you just can't seem to get all the way out from that big pile of stuff some people call life, and just when you can see something that might be light, some jerk drops down more stuff, and you're back where you started. I was busy. So busy I did not really have time for proper reflection, so instead of leaving you with some boring, not-thought-out posts, I opted not to post at all. Never fear, it is Monday, which means the return of the Monday Computer Class post (plus, I've been doing some reflection, so there will be some deep thoughts here to). Without further ado, I present part one of the first official Welcome Back/Computer Monday post!

I help with the high school youth group at a church where I live. All my girls are in the process of trying to decide where to go to college (which means I'm kind of back in the process of deciding where to go to college, a process I never really went through since I only applied to one school, which makes me not a whole lot of help). All of this talk about college has made me think about who I was eight years ago when I was getting ready to graduate from high school and set out by myself. The more I've thought about it, the more I see just how far I've come. And I have to say, I'm a lot cooler now than I was then....I have several examples from the week that prove my point.

Wednesday, the Honors Drama classes at my school hosted an Improv Smackdown. Basically, the 7th grade class competed against the 8th grade class, and the 8th grade class competed against the faculty. By compete, I mean played improv games (like the show Whose Line is it Anyway). A few years ago, if someone had asked me to do this, the answer would have been a resounding no, maybe the most resounding no ever heard. I used to be painfully shy. I hated talking to new people, didn't like any kind of social setting, and would never, ever, have willingly gotten up on a stage. But now, much to the joy of the Honors Drama classes, I don't really have a problem with any of these things. A few years ago, I basically stopped caring about what other people think of me. I adopted a new attitude towards life. One that basically said, "This is me. Like me or not, I don't care." This freed me up to do things like make a fool of myself onstage. I'm much more fun now than I used to be, which bodes well for me this year since I'm spending a lot of time with myself.

Thursday, I cooked dinner for some friends. I love to cook. I used to hate cooking for people. I thought that whatever I made had to be perfect because if it wasn't, no one would be my friend anymore. It had to taste perfect, look perfect, be served perfectly. It was pretty darn stressful, which meant I didn't cook for people nearly as much as I would have liked. Then, I learned that most people like to be cooked for, and they don't really care if it is perfect or not. So Thursday, I tried two new recipes (they turned out to be pretty good), and I cared more about spending time with my friends than about impressing them with my mad culinary skills. As a result, I had a great evening that I probably wouldn't have let myself have a few years back (although a few years back, I could have had wine at my dinner....).

All that is to say that I'm very thankful I finally learned how to accept myself-and love myself- just the way God made me. I think I'm much more enjoyable all around. But, I do think that if I don't get married sometime soon, it's probably not going to happen because if I keep becoming more and more fabulous by the day, it's going to take one heck of a guy to be good enough for me (and after watching this season of The Bachelor, I think we can all agree that a guy that great may not be out there).