Alone, Whether You Like it or Not

Alone is something you'll be quite a lot. Keeping with my reflection on one of my favorite children's books, this is another quote from Oh the Places You'll Go. I baby-sat my little brother last night, and I read it to him. When we got to the page that talks about how sometimes in life we'll be alone, I couldn't help but completely identify. I had a bit of a long weekend, so I was pretty tired when I went to school Monday morning. I had to stay late at school Monday, so Tuesday was basically a long, tired mess. My roommate went home with her parents after her surgery, so I've been coming home to an empty house. Long days, lack of sleep, and no roommate can leave one feeling alone--quite a lot. Even when that someone sees friends and over 60 students in her classroom everyday.

By Monday afternoon, I found my mind thinking how nice it would be if I had someone to go home to. I think this is one of the hardest things for me about being single. When I have a bad day, I want someone to share it with, someone to be there on the days when I walk in the door and drop everything because carrying it the six steps to my room seems like too many. I guess there are just some days when I wish I had someone to help me carry all my bags so to speak. I like to call these days "Max days." If you've ever read Where the Wild Things Are, you might remember a line that says "Max was lonely and wanted to be where somebody loved him best of all." I wanted to go home to a place where someone loved me best of all.

I tried to pull myself out of my alone funk by reminding myself that I'm not really alone. I have friends, family, students. This I know is true, but like any girl, I don't always feel like the truth is true or that the truth matters. And as a girl, it is really, really easy to believe my feelings. I feel alone, so I am alone. Not the best way to think.

I tried to pull myself out of my alone funk by making a list of reasons why I'm glad I'm alone this week:
1) I'm and intorvert, so by definition, I need to be alone to recharge. I needed some serious recharging, so I guess it's a good thing I have an empty house to come home to.
2) I just realized that I can watch all ten seasons of Law and Order: SVU online on Netflix. I totally love this show (which I kind of get freaked out by sometimes since it is all about really horrible things happening to women and kids, but I think it is everyone's favorite Law and Order). I've been watching it a lot since I've been too tired to do much else. If I wasn't alone, someone might have tried to get me to watch something else....
3) If the only way to get a boyfriend is to act like the girls on The Bachelor, then I'm really glad I'm alone because it means I've never acted like that.
4) If my life had gone the way young me thought it would, I would be married by now. This means I wouldn't live with my roommate and wouldn't have been here to take her to the hospital. (This is actually a serious reason that has crossed my mind a lot the last few days and a reason that I have been very, very thankful to be single right now.)

My list helped a bit. But, I found that my desire to have someone around who cared how I was feeling was still there. (Let me just clarify that I know that I have plenty of people in my life who care about me. My mom voiced her concern that I was going to get sick from lack of sleep multiple times.) But I think that what I want is for someone to care how I'm feeling more than they really care about anything else. I want someone's priority and main concern to be taking care of me when I've had a long day. Someone who loves me best of all. While I want this, I'm also totally aware of how unrealistic it is. Even if I somehow end up marrying the world's most perfect guy, he'll be human, which means that he won't be the unselfish guy in my dreams at the end of all my long days.

Even though I know this and even with my new commitment to take care of and celebrate myself, I don't think this desire is going to completely go away because as great as I am towards myself, I'm probably always going to want someone else to be great towards me too. The truth is that while I'm getting pretty good at making a list of reasons why I like being single, I could just as easily make a list of reasons why I want a boyfriend.

So, I guess it comes back to my decision to celebrate rather than mourn my single status. My decision to believe the truth even when it feels wrong. And my faith in the fact that God knows what's best, has a plan for my life, and loves me more than I love me--more than anyone will ever love me. My faith that He cares about my long days. And my faith that with Him alone is something I'll never be.