Life Doesn't Always Turn Out the Way You Plan

During a high school drama class, I memorized the opening monologue from the movie While You Were Sleeping. There's a line in it that says, "Life doesn't always work out the way you plan." This weekend, I met my college roommate in Athens, GA where we went to school for an impromptu girl's weekend that consisted of eating at our favorite restaurant, going to our favorite stores, and generally doing things we did while we were in college. (Because we are kind of lame--but in the coolest of ways--this means we also went to bed early and went to a movie).

Last night, my roommate said that if she could go back and do college over again she wouldn't spend so much time studying (she studied A LOT). She said she would spend more time doing fun stuff instead. So, this got me thinking about what would be different if I could go back in time and redo college. And it also made me think about how I thought my life would turn out the first time I drove into Athens.

The current me is actually a lot more fun than college me. College me was shy and super self-conscious. I didn't do a lot of things I probably would have enjoyed because I cared too much about what other people thought of me. Generally, I didn't think too much of myself, and I pretty much wished I could change just about everything about me. I didn't feel like I was all that worth loving.

After I graduated, I went to Moscow for a year, which is where I started to really figure myself out and enjoy myself. Now, four years after my college graduation, I feel like I've finally gotten to a place where I've accepted myself for who I am and started to celebrate that. Yeah, I'm a totally nerdy bookworm and sometimes I would rather stay home with a book and a glass of wine than go out. Yeah, I'm totally not the world's greatest dancer, but I like it--who cares if I look like an idiot and everyone else in the room thinks so--I'm going to dance if I want to. Yeah, I get really excited about stupid stuff, like cheesy buttons that say stuff about reading and kitchen gadgets and Harry Potter. Yeah, I am super sarcastic and usually laugh at my own jokes. For better or worse, that's me, and I finally decided I wasn't going to hide it. I was going to stop pretending to be someone else and put that version of me out there for the world. And the irony of it is that since I've stopped acting like someone I'm not and started putting the real me out there, I've found that people actually like me for all my quirks I was trying to keep hidden before.

If I were 18 again, I would tell you that my plan was to find the guy I was going to marry while I was in college. I would tell you that by the time I graduated, I would be engaged. Thankfully, life doesn't always turn out the way you planned. If my life had, I would have been married before I knew who I was. I would have been married before I learned what it meant to love me for me, nerdiness and all. I would have spent my life with a guy who I never really believed actually loved me--because after all, if I didn't think I was worth loving why would someone else?

Instead of that life, I'm now almost 26 and still single, and I must say I'm glad things have turned out this way. I had plenty of space to figure out and become the woman God created me to be, and I had a pretty great (although sometimes hard) time getting to know her. Now, I'm having a pretty great time hanging out with her. It's kind of fantastic to be able to look in the mirror and actually think "I like me." And honestly, I'm still enjoying the new me so much that
I'm thankful for being single because it gives me the opportunity to make up for lost time, to do the things I was too shy to do before.

So while current me would love college, I'm glad I was still the old me when I went. Because if I was different then, I wouldn't be where I am now, and I have to say that I'm really enjoying the here and now.