The Bachelor AND Something Really Important

Has there ever been a season of The Bachelor with this much crying?? It makes me slightly embarrassed to be a girl. There was a time when I drank a glass of wine for fun on Mondays when I watched it, but now I have to drink one just to make it through the episode. It's terrible. I really should quit watching....

On a more serious note, today is January 31st, otherwise known as the end of the month. I'm proud to say that I've kept up with my goal of reading the Bible in a year by reading my section every day this month! I'm loving it, and I'm learning a lot. I'm 1/12th of the way there!

Things Students Say

My students say funny things all the time, but every once in a while, they say something really amazing. Here are three examples from today:

Student 1 is a swimmer, and she sometimes goes to swim practice in the mornings before school. So today when she came up to me and said, "This morning I set a new personal best," I was expecting her to say something about swimming. Instead she said, "I set my personal record for most number of days being alive."

Student 2 asked me a question clarifying some directions I had just given. I re-explained the assignment for him, and as soon as I finished, he asked, "Wait, so what should I do?" Several students just turned and stared at him because I had literally just answered that question specifically for him. So, I told him I had just explained it. He threw his hands up and said, "I wasn't listening! I was paying attention!" (To what? Obviously not to me....)

Finally, during an activity that required students to use dictionaries, student 3 held up a dictionary and asked, "Do you mind if I use this as a war drum?" Seriously.

Now you all wish you were middle school teachers. Admit it. If you were, you would have had all these things said to you along with learning today that Justin Bieber has a tattoo. I may have the coolest or the strangest job in the world.

Today's Reason to Be Happy Being Single AND Dating Myself

I love watching tennis. So, I was particularly excited about this year's Australian Open Men's Final: Novak Djokavic v. Andy Murray. Because it's Australia, there's a huge time difference, which meant that if I wanted to watch it live I would have to wake up around 3 AM. I did. So did my sister. We stayed on the phone for almost the entire match, and somewhere in the second set I asked her is she thought we would do this if/when one or both of us is married. I asked if she thought we would just wake up and go watch in our living rooms or something. Her answer was probably not, and as much as it makes me sad to admit it, she's probably right. So, I'm really glad that we woke up and watched together this year. And I'm really glad I'm single and can wake up and watch tennis in bed at 3 AM if I want.

If you've been reading the blog for a while, you may remember that going to the movies alone was one of my goals for last year, so that's what I did for my Valentine's Day with myself last year. I liked it, but haven't been to the movies alone since. This week I, along with four of my coworkers, presented at my state's English teacher's conference. Our presentation went really well, and we even won an award for Best Use of Conference Theme! It's official. I'm awesome. I was around people nonstop until I got home Saturday night, so I was in great need of alone time. So, this afternoon, instead of typing up my lesson plans for the week like I should have, I decided to take myself to the movies as a reward for my great presentation and as a chance to spend some quality time with myself. I even got myself popcorn and Diet Coke. And I got to the movies 15 minutes early, which I love doing, but usually don't do because other people don't like getting to the movies 15 minutes early. No one talked to me during the movie...or after the movie, which I was glad about because it was a really sad movie and I didn't want to talk about it because it was so painfully real (although I still think Social Network is the saddest movie ever). It was glorious. I have 4 movies left out of the 10 nominated for the Best Picture Oscar, and I'm looking forward to taking myself to see a few more (two are already out on DVD, so I only need to go to the theater to see True Grit and 127 Hours).

Every once in a while, I have days where I'm really glad to be single. Today was one of those days.

Psalm 7:17 Friday IV

I will give to the Lord the thanks due to his righteousness, and I will sing praise to the name of the Lord, the Most High.

-Psalm 7:17

Things I am Thankful for This Week

--Finishing Genesis--not because it was boring (I actually really, really liked it) but because I think it's cool that I've finished one whole book

--Having conferences on Monday and Friday, which meant only having to go to school three days this week (and it was Spirit Week, so students could come to school dressed up...which makes students more hyper than usual)

--Laughing with my family (Band Hero. Enough said.)

--Laughing with my friends (see this week's post about game night)

--Working with people who I genuinely enjoy being with and getting to go on trips with them

--Learning to trust God more

Fun and Games

I've been playing a lot of games lately. And I don't mean interpersonal games, like playing hard to get or something. I mean literal games.

My little brother got Band Hero for his Wii for his birthday. Maybe the best thing about this game is the fact that a bunch of songs that you've always known become somewhat new because the actual words come up on the screen as you sing. For some songs, this is interesting and educational. For others, it is just absurd. For example, the Spice Girls song "Wannabe" or the Styx song "Mr. Roboto." We would start one of these songs, and by the middle I would be doubled over on the floor in a puddle of my own tears, laughing uncontrollably. It was amazing.

Tonight, I got together with my Bible study girls for game night. We played a game called The Game of Things. The basic premise for the game is that someone draws a card with a category of things (for example, things you should do everyday) and then everyone else writes down a thing that fits in the category (for example, read this blog...see what I did there?). Then, the person who read the category reads all the things and the other players try to guess who wrote which thing. It is amazing. I'm horrible at games like this because, as my sisters or anyone who knows me really will not be afraid to say, I think I'm funnier than I am. So, whenever I play games like this, I usually crack up when my own answer gets read...even if it's not that funny. I just really entertain myself.

Anyway, the game ended up being really funny. I wanted to share a few of the funnier moments with you, my loyal readers who read this blog everyday. Without further ado, I present Moments from The Game of Things: A Comedy in Three Acts.

Act One: Things I Would Do if I were a Giant

"Try and hide in small spaces"

"Say 'Fi Fye Fo Fum' a lot to scare kids" (That one was mine...someone guessed it right away. I like to think that was because of the literary allusion, but it was probably because I started laughing as soon as it was read.)

Act Two: Things You Shouldn't Pick Up

"Married men"

Act Three: Things You Shouldn't Say to Your Wife

One of the best things about this one was the fact that someone wrote down, "You really do look kind of fat in that." This meant that during the guessing phase, multiple friends of mine looked at someone else in our group and said variants of "You're the fat one!"

It also brought what in my mind was the best answer of the night...maybe in the history of the game.

"I got you these Pajama Jeans for your birthday."

(If you don't know what those are, click the link to watch the commercial. It's amazing. Mock fly? A size for everyone, yet there are only 8 sizes? I'm intrigued.)

So, I guess the moral of this post is that you should take some time this week to play a game (and maybe you should be a little jealous that I have such fun and clever friends...). Have fun!

Prison

When I decided to set the goal of reading the entire Bible this year, I was a little worried about reading the Old Testament. I thought it would be boring and that I wouldn't get much from it. As usual, I was totally wrong. As an English major, I love stories, and that's what the Old Testament is. It's lots of stories. It has everything--family drama, romance, tension and suspense. It's a great read. God is using it to teach me a lot too. This week, most of my Old Testament reading has been the story of Joseph. You know, the one with the coat with all the colors and the brothers who sell him into slavery and the woman who accuses him of rape and the prison and the dreams and the famine. It's good stuff.

While I've been reading this, several of my friends and I have had rough weeks. I have one friend who is totally overwhelmed and discouraged with teaching (pretty much exactly like I was last year). I have another friend who is dealing with some potential changes in one of her personal relationships, and she's been feeling anxious about them. I have things going on in my life that are making me slightly worried too. In our own ways, we are each in a really difficult place.

Part of Joseph's story is getting thrown into prison by Potiphar after Potiphar's wife falsely accuses Joseph of trying to hook up with her. Obviously, I think everyone would agree that prison isn't really an ideal place to be. It's rather undesirable. Things really aren't that bad for Joseph because he basically gets put in charge, but it's still prison, so I imagine it wasn't all fun and easy. A while after Joseph gets put in prison, the cupbearer and baker of the king of Egypt get thrown into prison too. They have crazy dreams, and Joseph interprets their dreams for them. This eventually leads to Joseph being called in to interpret a dream for Pharaoh, which leads to him being put in charge of tons of stuff in Egypt, saving a bunch of people from famine, and reuniting with his family. In short, yes he spends some time in prison, but it's just part of God's plan for him. A plan that leads to much good.

Genesis 29:20 says that while Joseph was in prison, "the Lord was with Joseph and showed him stedfast love." Sometimes in our lives, God puts in a prison of sorts. He brings us to a place where we don't want to be. Like teaching this year has been for my friend. Or like how waiting on His guidance in a relationship is for my other friend. Or how my issues are for me. We don't like being there, and we just want to get out. But what I learned this week was that God puts us in these places for reasons. These places aren't detours or places we ended up because of a wrong turn. They are exactly where we are supposed to be, and they are part of God's plans for us. We can have faith that, like it was for Joseph, our prisons are steps to an ultimate good. And we can have comfort that, like He was with Joseph, God is with us and will show us his stedfast love.

Psalm 7:17 Friday III

I will give to the Lord the thanks due to his righteousness, and I will sing praise to the name of the Lord, the Most High.

-Psalm 7:17

Things I am Thankful for This Week

--My amazing little brother who turned 7 this week!

--A fun weekend spent with my little sister

--Phil, the Mac Genius, who fixed my computer

--Wonderful old friends who sent me pictures from Russia because mine got lost when I had to get a new hard drive

--Electric blankets

--Dinner with friends

--Co-workers who are helpful and giving

--Friends who will come to my rescue when I need help

--My job, which meant getting to go to a middle school production of The Princess and the Pea starring some of the cutest, most talented kids ever!

--Students who bring me Peanut M&Ms

--Flat tires that help me see I am not alone

--Freedom from locking lug nuts!!

--God teaching me lessons through my circumstances

--A new gratitude for the Gospel

Metaphorically Speaking (Flat Tire 3.0)

My goal for the year is to read the entire Bible, and I've mentioned some Old Testament stuff over the past few weeks. But my One-Year Bible has readings from the New Testament every day too (plus some stuff from Psalms and Proverbs...but that's beside the point). Yesterday I read the part from Matthew 13 about the parable of the sowers (you know, the one with the seeds falling on all different types of ground). What caught my attention was not the seed story, but what came after it. Basically, the disciples ask Jesus why He goes around speaking to people in parables all the time. His response is basically that certain people-who have been given the secrets of the kingdom of heaven--see and hear (understand the parables) but others don't. It's kind of like certain people are blessed to get the meaning behind the story.

Now, being an English teacher with and English degree, I'm all about some super-secret hidden meanings. And I'm all about life's figurative language. God knows this about me, so sometimes I get the feeling that a lot of the stuff that happens to me is best viewed as some kind of spiritual metaphor designed to teach me something.

Yesterday I got a flat tire, and not just a normal flat tire. I got an extremely difficult and challenging flat tire. With the aide of my mom and a very helpful tow truck driver, I got my car to my friendly neighborhood tire and automotive place. I had called them twice to explain my predicament and let them know my poor stubborn car was coming their way after school. As I was talking with one of the guys who works there, he said maybe the most wonderful words I've ever heard in my life. (And I mean that. I really feel like I could be proposed to one day, and in comparison to these words, the proposal would be the second-best thing I've ever heard.) He told me that he could not only take off the offending locking lug nut that was holding my flat tire hostage, he could take off ALL FOUR and replace them with normal, non-locking 0nes! (Translation: No more locking lug nuts, which means no more stuck flat tires! No more emptying out my trunk and getting out all the tools and jacking up my car...or watching someone do that for me...only to realize the tire can't be taken off!)

I know it may seem obvious, but it never even occurred to me to have that done. In my mind, I was going to have to use my Saturday morning to drive to the Mazda dealer and get a new key (that would probably just disappear if I ever got another flat tire). In my mind, I was going to lose half of my Saturday and still be doomed to an uncertain flat tire future. With his obvious, simple suggestion, Stephen--car guy extraordinaire and my official new hero and favorite person ever (which, don't worry, I told him he was)--lifted a huge, anxiety-causing burden from my car-problem-fearing shoulders. When I left the car place yesterday, I had a patched tire and no more locking lug nuts. It felt like Christmas and my birthday all rolled into one. It was amazing. I can't remember the last time I felt that thankful for anything. (I admit that the last sentence makes me seem totally lame...but I'm not afraid to own up to the truth of it. And I think that to fully understand my excitement, one has to know the entire version of my first flat tire story, which involves a sketchy bowling alley, my trunk full of stuff, a tow truck, and a four-hour wait at a Mazda dealership.) Seriously, I was so thankful that last night when I got home from my little brother's birthday dinner, I baked cookies to take to car Stephen today when I went back to have the new lug nuts put on after school. (Yes I baked cookies.)

Last night as I was baking, I couldn't help but think about my response to getting rid of the locking lug nuts. Overwhelming gratitude and cookies. And I started to feel convicted because I couldn't remember the last time I felt that way about God forgiving me for my sin. And it dawned on me that I was right in the middle of one of my real-life metaphors. My flat tire incident is really a frail, dim metaphor for my forgiveness.

No matter what I do on my own, no matter how many people try to help me, there's no way I can rid myself of my sin. Just like there was no way I was changing my tire yesterday without expert help. When what I need is to be forgiven, God goes above and beyond and gives me forgiveness, everlasting and unchanging love, and one day Heaven. Just like the car guys took off all four lug nuts instead of just one. And just like the burden of locking lug nuts was taken away from me forever, so too is the infinitely heavier burden of my sin taken away through Christ's sacrifice for me on the cross.

If my flat tire is a weak symbol of my sin, logic would suggest that my response to my forgiveness should far outshine my response to getting new lug nuts. But it doesn't. To be honest, most days it doesn't really cross my mind. Most days I don't tell Jesus that He's my hero. And I don't tell my friends Jesus is my favorite person ever. And I'm not moved to give to Him (or bake Him cookies....).

So, not only am I thankful for my flat tire because it showed me that I'm not alone, I'm thankful for my flat tire because God used it to teach me about gratitude. He used it to remind me of exactly what I have to be thankful for. He used it to remind me that I'm one of the blessed ones whose eyes see and whose ears hear. He used it to remind me that He has taken away my true burden. And He used it to remind me of what the proper response to that looks like.

Flat Tire 2.0

I should learn not to blog until situations are fully resolved. My tires have a special lug nut, which means you have to have a key to get the tire off in order to put on the spare. I got a flat tire once in college. It turned out to be a long, epic ordeal because the key needed to take the flat off was not in my car. It involved having my car towed to my local Mazda dealer. It was not good. But, the good part was that the service guy put a key in with my spare tire parts so that if I ever got another flat tire, I wouldn't have the same problem. So today, I was anticipating an easy fix. But, I forgot to take into account that I am me.

One of my friends came up to my school during my planning today to put my spare tire on. We got out all the tools (which I haven't seen since my last spare tire fiasco years ago), and the magical key was missing yet again. The only thing I can think of that may have happened was that when I got new tires 3 years ago, the technician didn't put the key back where it belonged. So that left me with a flat tire and no way to get it off.

My friend started walking around the parking lot looking at tires to see if anyone had a special anti-theft lug nut that looked like mine. One car did, so I interrupted this teacher's class to borrow her keys. We got out her key, but it didn't work. So now, I am stuck at school and have to deal with my worst class before I can have a tow truck come and tow my poor car to my local automotive place where they will hopefully be able to get the flat off. (I called, and the guy assured me that he could.) In short, it isn't turning out to be my day....and it is getting more difficult for me to not feel sorry for myself. I don't really know how a husband would help in this situation...because he wouldn't be able to magic off the flat tire...but alas, that fact doesn't change how I feel. (I think I assume he would swoop in and handle everything, and I wouldn't have to think about it--I don't like having to handle things.) So, here's a new list of truth:

1) As stated in the last post, I could be on the side of the road somewhere.

2) My mom lives close to me and is willing to call a tow truck and come meet it this afternoon. Even though she is sick and it is my brother's birthday.

3) I teach with people who don't mind if I interrupt their classes to borrow their car keys for very odd reasons.

4) I work with friends who are willing to stay after school with me and then drive me to the automotive place (where they may have to wait with me some more).

5) This is not the end of the world. God still loves me. It will me ok.

Flat Tire

For a few reasons, I was feeling particularly lonely yesterday afternoon after school. I recently bought a book by Angela Thomas called Do You Know Who I Am?. The basic premise of the book is that for each chapter she focuses on a question women often have about whether God really knows them, and then she writes about an aspect of God that answers each question. Last night, I decided to go ahead and skip to the middle to the chapter titled "Do You Know I am Lonely?" It talked about how Christ knew loneliness, so He understands and about how our deepest longing can only be satisfied in Him. After reading it, I felt much better and had a new resolve to believe in things that are true rather than in my feelings. I came to school this morning decidedly set on not feeling lonely. I was prepared and ready to go.

If you've been reading the blog for a while, you may remember what I like to fondly refer to as the Epic Meltdown of Spring 2010. All my negative emotions came to a head when my car wouldn't start one morning. For some reason, car issues make me feel more alone than just about anything. I don't know why. So, the last thing I needed on my I'm-not-going-to-feel-lonely day was for anything to be wrong with my car. If there's anything I've learned from reading the Old Testament lately it's that God isn't afraid to test people and ask for big things (see Abraham almost sacrificing Isaac), so I shouldn't have been surprised when one of my fellow teachers found me this morning and told me he noticed my back passenger tire was going flat. Because I am me, this makes me want to cry. But if Job can praise God after losing his entire family, surely I can survive a flat tire...right?

At first, I naturally began my spiral downward into woe-is-me-I'm-single land, a place I am all to familiar with. My resolve was quickly fading, and I was starting to feel pretty lonely. But God hasn't called me to be lonely. And this was a test of my trust in Him. I had to decide if I was going to let myself go and follow my feelings or if I was going to battle those feelings with truth. I decided to go with truth. So here's a list of truth:

1) I got the flat tire at school where there are people who can help. I didn't get it in some random parking lot, over the weekend when people were busy or out or town, or just randomly on the side of the road somewhere. If I'm going to get a flat tire, this is probably the best place for it.

2) Before the time the bell rang this morning, two people had already offered to help me fix my tire (one of them offered up her AAA and her husband as assistance). My co-worker who noticed it basically just said, "Your tire is flat. I'll change it during planning." I didn't have to ask or anything.

3) I felt bad about someone having to do it in the middle of the workday, so I sent a text to one of my friends stating that I had a "flat tire situation." His response was "How can I help?"

4) God isn't going to give me anything that I can't bear. He loves me. He will take care of me.

5) Really, it is just a flat tire, which in the scheme of things is not bad at all.

Looking at that list, it is glaringly obvious to me that I am not alone. When I look at the truth, I see that a situation I originally felt was a real test was instead an opportunity for God to demonstrate His love and faithfulness to me. God has blessed me with the Holy Spirit, who gives me the strength to choose truth over feelings. He has blessed me with caring friends and co-workers, and today He is using them to ease my feelings of loneliness. So instead of being angry and bitter over my flat tire, I am thankful for it. For the lesson it has taught me. For how it has made me feel incredibly loved.

Golden Globe Rundown

First off, thanks to Phil the Mac Genius at the Apple store, I am back to blogging on my beloved Mac (although I did have to get a new hard drive...boo). I'm pretty excited to be home! But, a word to the wise, make sure you back up your computers in case your hard drive decides to go crazy like mine did. (Thankfully, I had almost everything backed up...except for some pictures...but thanks to an amazing friend I was able to get most of those back!)

Anyway, on to the original topic for the post, I kind of love movies, so I get really excited for awards shows. I don't really know why, and I know it's pretty weird, but it's true. Usually, I try to see as many of the nominated movies as I can before the shows so that I can be justifiably excited or upset. The Golden Globes are tonight, and thanks to a movie-marathon weekend with my younger sister, I was able to get in all the movies nominated for Best Picture in the Drama category (we made it in just under the wire with a matinee showing of The Fighter today). Here are the nominated movies in order of my preference (and I'll say that 1 and 5 were easy for me--but 2-4 was really difficult):

1) The Fighter

With apologies to my older sister, who didn't really like this movie, I thought this was one of the best movies I have seen in a long time. Christian Bale, who I have loved since I was a kid and saw Newsies and Little Women, is absolutely phenomenal--if he doesn't win for Best Supporting Actor, I will be shocked. The first half of the movie is really sad and hard to watch, but then it hits rock bottom and comes back. It ends up being, I think, a hopeful and inspirational story about family and redemption. I cared about the characters and desperately wanted Mark Whalberg's character Micky (with no e) to succeed. My heart broke when he lost a fight, and I cringed in my seat and hid my eyes during the fight scenes whenever he took a punch. I haven't wanted anything in a long time the way I wanted Christian Bale's character to not start using drugs again after he got out of jail. That's one of my big tests for movies--do I care about the characters? Does what happens to them matter to me? This movie passed that test with flying colors. It does have some pretty bad language and some drug use, but overall I loved it. (It also passes my younger sister's and my DVD test--I will buy this movie on DVD probably as soon as it comes out.)

2) The King's Speech

This movie beat out Inception and The Social Network for the #2 spot mainly because it is the only one of the three that I thought was happy. Colin Firth is amazing in it (I wouldn't be surprised if he won Best Actor)...as is Geoffrey Rush. Helena Bonham Carter also turned in an amazing performance. It was surprisingly funny. Of all the movies nominated, this is the only one that I would say could be labeled a "feel-good" movie. I would say it is the most enjoyable of the five nominated films.

3) Inception

In a year when 3 of the 5 nominated movies are based on true stories, this movie kind of needed it's own category. It's really difficult to compare it to movies based on fact. As far as I'm concerned, Christopher Nolan is a genius, and I love every movie he makes. I also love movies that make you think...a lot...and this one does. I just watched it for the second time, and I think that time through I finally got everything that was happening. I loved all the special effects, loved Ellen Page, and loved Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

4) The Social Network

I think this is the saddest movie I have ever seen. Ever. I'm serious. It's the story of how facebook was started (although Mark Zuckerburg didn't really have anything to do with it--the movie--obviously he had everything to do with facebook). Basically he wants to do something great so he will become popular. And he ends up with basically no friends. It's horribly depressing. There's not one real, authentic, lasting relationship in the whole movie. It does, however, make what I think is a rather strong statement about the changes in human interaction that the increase in technology has caused in our culture and about how facebook has devalued and diluted the definition of the word friend. Because of the timely nature of its social statement, I think this movie will probably win (it did win the Critic's Choice Award for Best Picture already). And although I think Colin Firth will win, I wouldn't be shocked if Jesse Eisenberg did.

5) Black Swan

If one of your best friends, who has almost identical taste in movies and tv as you do, tells you not to see a movie, listen to him or her. Seriously. I beg you. Listen. I didn't, and I went to see this movie anyway. It's disturbing. And confusing because Natalie Portman's character basically goes crazy. There's no real, prolonged conversations between anyone, so you're never really sure what's going on. My favorite thing about the movie was Mila Kunis; she was great. If she was in it more, I probably would have liked it more. (I want her to win for Best Supporting Actress, but I don't think she will.) Natalie Portman will probably win for Best Actress. I guess she deserves it...she did do a pretty decent job of pretending to lose her mind. And she did have to work really hard and learn ballet.

Just a few other notes/opinions on who I want to win things....

--Jim Parsons should win for being Sheldon in Big Bang Theory because he is hilarious.

--I wish something other than Mad Men would win for Best TV Series Drama. I like Dexter. I try and watch Mad Men, but I don't really get why everyone thinks it's so great. All the episodes I've seen made me sad. I wish Michael C. Hall would win too.

Happy Globes watching!

Psalm 7:17 Friday II

I will give to the Lord the thanks due to his righteousness, and I will sing praise to the name of the Lord, the Most High.

-Psalm 7:17

Things I am Thankful for This Week

--My job. It means that when I'm grading I get to read things like this:

"Another thing that I never gave up on is writing this essay....If I would have given up than I would have made a grade worse than you are about to give me."

And this:

"What was weird was the fact that she kissed him, yes actual kissage....I went over to my friend Graham when all was said and done. 'Did you see what just happened?' he exclaimed. 'She kissed me! And she didn't throw up afterwards!'"

Oh how I love my students!

--Snow!

--Four snow days, which gave me time to rest and finally get over the nagging cold I had had for two weeks.

--Two friends who were willing to drive through the snow to come pick me up so we could hang out during Snow Days 0'11. (And one who drove over the ice to take me home and then drove back to his house then back to my house to bring me my school bag that I had left there.)

--My amazing friend Kristin, who is beyond supportive and encouraging and who gives great advice about new Bible study books. I am so blessed to have her as a friend and as a co-worker

(and as a fellow blogger--check out her blog for her own Psalm 7:17 Friday post).

--The Holy Spirit, who somehow manages to help me take valuable stuff away from all my Old Testament reading.

--God's love for me and His goodness and for how He gives me the desires of my heart (and how He opens my eyes to let me see that it's sometimes in unconventional, but wonderful, ways).

Desire

One of the themes I've noticed in Genesis so far is desire. Eve desires knowledge, so she eats the fruit. Abraham desires a son. Esau desires some stew. In my reading for today, I came across two more examples of desire. They both come from the story of Jacob and his wife....I mean wives.

If you're not familiar with the story, here's a quick refresher. Isaac tells Jacob he needs to go to his Uncle Laban's house to get a wife. When he gets there, he sees Rachel. He falls in love with her and wants to marry her. Now that you're caught up, let's get back to desires.

Jacob tells Laban that he will serve him for seven years in exchange for Rachel. Laban agrees, so Jacob stays and works for Laban for seven years so that he can marry Rachel. Genesis 29:20 is, in my opinion, one of the cutest verses in the Bible. (I mean, I haven't read the whole thing yet, so once I have, I reserve the right to amend my statement. But for now, it's probably the cutest one.) It says, "So Jacob served seven years for Rachel, and they seemed to him but a few days because of the love he had for her." [Pause for awwws] Aside from being adorable, I think there's something to take away from that verse about desire.

Jacob desires a relationship with Rachel. He wants to be with her. So much so that seven years is nothing. He gladly serves Laban because he knows that once he does, his desire will be fulfilled. I think what I took away from this passage was that desiring and serving often go hand in hand, particularly in regards to relationships. If my goal is to strengthen my relationship with Christ and my desire is for Him, a natural means to that end is service. And not begrudging service, service done with a sense of burden and obligation, but rather joyful service. Service done with a glad heart because the end result, closeness to Christ, is the motivation. Service that makes seven years seem but a few days because of the love I have for Christ.

After Jacob serves for seven years, he's ready to marry Rachel. So he does...or he thinks he does. In actuality, Laban tricks him into marrying Rachel's older sister Leah. Talk about a not-good surprise. I imagine Jacob was pretty upset. I mean, he just worked seven years for a girl, and he gets her sister instead. In the end, he gets to marry Rachel in exchange for serving seven more years. For Rachel, that probably felt pretty good. Here's a guy who was willing to work for fourteen years just to marry you. But think about poor Leah. You've got to live your whole life knowing your husband loves your sister more than he loves you. And in case you had your doubts, it's in the Bible, so it's really true (see Genesis 29:30 "...and he loved Rachel more than Leah....). This is where the second example of desire comes in.

As is often the case with married people, Leah gets pregnant and has a baby. Her response to having a son is "for now my husband will love me" (Gen. 29:32). She has a second son and basically says God gave her a son because her husband doesn't love her. She has a third son and thinks ok, finally this time my husband will love me. Leah, like everyone, has an obvious desire to be loved. And Leah, like pretty much every girl at some time or another, thinks this desire will be fulfilled in her husband. And Leah, like pretty much every girl, learns that her desire to be loved completely can't be totally and perfectly fulfilled in another person, no matter what she does or how many sons she has. See son number four. When he's born, Leah's response is "this time I will praise the Lord" (Gen. 29: 35).

Today I ventured out into the remnants of the winter storm to meet my friend Kristin(who, by the way, has an amazing blog that you should read) for lunch. As we were reading, Kristin mentioned Beth Moore's message from Passion this year. She basically spoke about the difference between "the desires of our hearts" and "the hearts of our desires" and which one we really want more. Is it the object that I want, or is it something deeper behind it? I think a lot of times we focus in on the object, the thing we want, and this gets problematic. I think it can especially get problematic for believers who go to Psalm 37:4 ("Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart") and think that God's going to give us the things we desire most. It's problematic because desires can be met in multiple ways--especially if you think about the why behind your desires. This got me to thinking about perhaps my most well-documented desire lately--the desire to be married.

I asked myself, if I had to look at it deeply, why do I want to be married? What is the heart of that desire? And I realized that it nicely paralleled my observations from Genesis 29. I think the heart of my desire is two-fold.

First, like Leah, I want to know that I am valued, that I am loved, that someone chose me. Like Leah, I have to learn, believe, trust, and rest in the truth that this is something I will only get from the Lord, that His love for me is sufficient, that this part of my desire is perfectly met in Him.

The second part of it has to do with the fact that I like the idea of being a wife. If you go all the way back to the story of Adam and Eve, you see that woman was created to be "a helper fit for man" (Gen. 2:18). The second part of the heart of my desire to be married is a desire to be a support and encouragement to a husband, to be someone who points him to the Lord, helps him learn more about God and his relationship with Him, someone who helps him become the man God calls him to be. This is the service part of my desire. As I thought about it, I realized that God has provided me with a number of people who I can support and encourage. I have amazing friends, an amazing family, co-workers, and students. All of whom need support and encouragement. All of whom need to be reminded of God's love for them and the plan He has for their lives. All of whom need relationships that are intentional and will be instruments that God uses to help them become the people He calls them to be.

Sure, I would love to be married. But if I look closely, a husband is just a thing. The root of my desire is to be loved, like Leah, and to serve out of love, like Jacob. And when I look at my life, God has granted me these desires. He hasn't met them in the way I thought He would when I was a girl, but He has met them nonetheless. And for that I am thankful.

Another Snow Day

School is cancelled again tomorrow. Being the introverted girl that I am, one would assume that getting 4 surprise days off would be amazing for me. Well, two was great. Two and a half, also great. But now, I'm kind of bummed out. Mainly because this means I won't get a day off from students until Spring Break because of severe weather make-up days (which means now is the time for me to get out my calendar and schedule some well-timed personal days). I'm also quite bored--which you may have noticed by my large number of recent posts. In an effort to waste some more time, I have decided to compile a list of things I could do with the rest of my snow time:

1) Go ahead and finish reading through the Bible

2) Finally read The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

3) Watch the first 3 seasons of Chuck on DVD

4) Make a dent in my Instant Netflix Queue (I do this thing where I look at all the movies you can watch instantly and put them in my queue without, but I spend more time doing that than I do watching them)

5) Take a really, really, really long bath

6) Experiment with my new waffle iron

7) Make some more pancakes

8) Reread the Harry Potter series

9) Finish the Narnia series (typing of which, I recently DVRed Prince Caspian, so I could watch that)

10) Waste a bunch of time making a list so that in actuality I get nothing accomplished

Snow Days...and days...and days...

It snowed on Sunday night, so I didn't have to go to school Monday or Tuesday! And I didn't have to go today! Reason would suggest that I used my time off to grade some of the essays that have piled up....but I haven't. Instead, two of my friends ventured out in the snow Monday morning to pick me up and drive me to their house where I basically spent 2 days bundled in a blanket, listening to records, and reading on my friends' couch. (There may also have been a little of me running and sliding across my friends' hardwood floors in my fleece socks....)I read Water for Elephants. Aside from some uncomfortable scenes regarding abuse (of both women and animals), it was a great book! I also got to sleep under an electric blanket, which pretty much changed my life, and now I have every intention of buying one. Not a bad start to the week. As soon as we found out school was cancelled today, two of my friends called me with the same basic sentiment--what are we going to do stuck at home for another day??? I had a great many thoughts about what to do with all the extra time, but in reality I'm kind of bored....I've spent the large part of my morning watching episodes of How I Met Your Mother, which you can only do for so long before you start to feel pretty lazy and borderline worthless....

Over the past three days, I have spent a good bit of time looking out the window at the snow. One thing about living in the South is that when it snows, life basically comes to a stop for most people. They stay home and don't really venture out anywhere. As a result, this amazing stillness and peace settles over everything. And the blanket of snow that covers everywhere remains largely undisturbed, giving everything you see a clean, perfect look. This made me thing about Jesus and the verse in Isaiah that says, "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow, thought they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool," and how all the cleanliness, all the perfection, all the peace that the snow brings are things I have in Christ.

The other thing about snow though is that, if you live somewhere--like I do--that isn't prepared to deal with it, it can get rather dangerous. It melts a little and then freezes over and turns into ice, which is slippery and treacherous. I thought about it, and this is kind of like what happens to me. I feel like the longer I have been a believer, the farther away I can get from fully realizing my need for Christ. I only see the beautiful, white snow, and I can forget about the dead grass that's underneath. And I can start to get wrapped up in the snow and how great it is...and start to forget life before the snow. And I, like the older brother in the parable of the Prodigal Son, start to take credit for the snow and all the beauty it brings. That's when things start to get slippery...and dangerous.

Thankfully, today the sun is out and is melting away the ice that had pretty much taken over everywhere I live. And thankfully, even when I start to get self-righteous, the light of Christ's love still penetrates my heart and reminds me that my snow-covering is there because of Him.

What's Your Favorite Word?

As an English teacher, this is a question I get asked a lot. I probably get asked so much because I often refer to words as "one of my favorite words ever" or "a word that I love a lot" or "a word that makes my heart happy." I once had a friend who told me I was overly prone to hyperbole. I have no idea what he was talking about. Anyway, whenever they ask, my students usually seem slightly disappointed by my answer. Hope. I think they are imagining some really long word that they have never heard before and have no hope of ever pronouncing on their own, so when they hear a word that they have both heard and mastered the ability to say, I assume their disappointment is great. I then have to go on to explain to them that I like the word not for how it sounds but for what it means. If you look it up in the dictionary (or on dictionary.com), it will tell you that hope means either "the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best" or "to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence." The word holds within it this innate promise. That's what makes it my favorite.

This month for our book club at school, we read a book called Life As We Knew It. It's about a girl who lives in some time in the future. An asteroid hits the moon and knocks it closer to Earth. This results in all sorts of dramatic changes, like massive tidal fluctuations, climate change, and volcanoes that start erupting like crazy. This results in loss of electricity and food shortages. The book is written in first-person and is written like a diary the main character is keeping about her family's struggle to survive in the post-moon-move world. The blurb on the back of the book calls it a documentation of her struggle to hang on to our most important resource--hope. So, you can imagine how excited I was to read a book about my favorite word!

Most of the book, however, is terribly upsetting. This poor girl and her family slowly run out of food, people get sick, people die, and it seems like things are never going to get any better. Throughout their struggles, the characters constantly tell each other that things are going to get better. That things will get back to how they used to be, back to normal. Their hope, really, is in the past.

The characters in the book talk about how the government or NASA or scientists will figure out a solution to move the moon back or make the Earth livable with the moon in it's new spot.

In the book, Miranda comments on why she's writing, and she mentions that one reason is so that people will know the way they lived, so they can remember their struggles. Don't get me wrong, struggles are valuable and important, but one day all my struggles will be forgotten and replaced with an eternal weight of glory that I can't even come close to imagining right now.

As I read it, I couldn't help but be thankful for the hope that I have and for how different my hope is from Miranda's, the novel's narrator. While her hope is in something that may happen, my hope is in a certainty. While her hope is in people she doesn't know and their ability to change all sorts of problems, my hope is in a God who put the moon in exactly the right place so that the tide, the climate, and the volcanoes do exactly what they need to do. While her hope is in the way things used to be and in the fact that someone will remember her, my hope is in the fact that one day, I will be made new and the way I used to be (the way I am now) will be gone.

The dictionary definition of hope works for Miranda. But for me, I would have to change it to "the feeling that what is wanted will be had" or "to look forward to with desire and absolute confidence." Much better if you ask me.

Short-Sighted

Today I read the first part of the story of Jacob and Esau in Genesis 25. Basically, Jacob's inside cooking stew while Esau is out hunting. Esau comes in, and he's really hungry. Jacob, being a great brother, says, "Ok, I'll give you some food if you give me your birthright." Esau's response is "'I am about to die; of what use is a birthright to me?'" (Genesis 25:32). So, they do the swap. Essentially, since Esau was Isaac's firstborn, he's giving up the whole great-nation-out-of-your-descendants thing that God promised Abraham (aka Jacob and Esau's grandpa). He gives up his place in a rather historic lineage for some stew. He gives up something eternal for something fleeting. In his commentary on Genesis, John Calvin wrote of Esau, "hence it happens, that he barters a spiritual for an earthly and fading good."

This got me to thinking. How many times am I like Esau? How often am I concerned with the present, with what I think are my immediate needs, instead of thinking about what would be best in the long-term? How often do I try and take care of myself, meet my own needs in the now instead of trusting and relying on God and His timing. Surely many times each week I declare that I'm about to die if I don't get something (ok, maybe I don't say I'm going to die, but I probably act like it's that big of a deal). And whenever I try and take matters into my own hands, I'm essentially saying to God that my immediate gratification is greater than whatever His plan for my life is, even if it is something much better than what I'm getting myself in the moment. How often do I let trivial, earthly things overshadow the real needs of my heart? I get so caught up in wanting a boyfriend, or perfect students, or more down time, or a nap that I lose sight of what I really need--a Savior, Grace, dealing with my sin, time with the Lord. I run around trying to get some food to meet my physical needs and let my spiritual needs fall by the wayside. I take myself out of God's plan for my life in favor of doing it on my own. I willingly pass over my birthright as an adopted daughter of Christ for stew.

The Thing Called Love/Psalm 7:17 Friday I

I would like to start this by saying I got a record player for Christmas, so while I'm writing, I'm listening to records, which makes me feel kind of totally awesome.

As I wrote earlier, this year I'm really going to focus on my relationship with God. Not that I didn't think about our relationship before--I did. I just think my thoughts were incomplete. Somehow I don't think I really exactly got the whole love part of it. I mean, I never doubted that He loves me, and it was never lost on me that He sent His son to die in the greatest act of love ever. That part I got. I think I was missing the desire and the passion part of it. I have plenty of friends who are married, and they generally want to spend time with their husbands. They do stuff without them, but overall, most of the time, they would rather be doing stuff with them. They tend to like things more when their husbands are there. (I know that seems like a somewhat obvious statement because isn't that how it should be, but bear with me, I'm making a point.) I would look at their relationships and couldn't help but feel like that whole I-want-to-be-with-you-all-the-time thing was supposed to be part of my relationship with Christ, but it wasn't really there. (I feel like that's an ok assumption to make because I think that one thing God designed marriage to be is a metaphor for our relationships with Him--I could go into wedding images in the Bible and reference this really great Tim Keller sermon I listened to once where he talked about how marriage is basically designed to point us to God, but I won't.) So, when I say I want to focus on my relationship with Him, that's what I'm talking about because that's the part I don't think has been there. I like Him. I appreciate Him. But I don't really desire Him.

In addition to reading the Bible, I've also been reading Brennan Manning's book The Furious Longing of God. It's basically about how God is crazy in love with us. In the first chapter, he talks about how he began verse 7:10 from Song of Solomon. It reads, "I am my beloved's and his desire is for me." Manning encourages the people reading his book to start praying the verse too, so I did. I prayed that I would begin to see myself as Christ's beloved, as someone Christ desires. And I prayed that I would begin to see Christ as my beloved, as someone I desire. Funny thing, as I've often found happens when we pray Scriptures back to God, the prayers are usually answered.

Anyone who knows me will attest to the fact that I'm not really a morning person. Over the years, I have developed a habit of sleeping until the last possible second. I even have to set two alarm clocks every morning--one by my bed, the other in my bathroom--so that I literally have to get out of bed and walk into another room to turn it off (this doesn't stop me from hitting snooze at least 3 times on each....). I don't wake up earlier than I absolutely have to. For anything. But since I'm trying to read my Bible every day, I decided I would try reading it in the mornings before school. Monday it was pretty easy to get up because it was new and kind of exciting (and because I remembered to set my coffee maker, so there was coffee ready when my alarm went off). I read my daily Bible stuff and read some of the Brennan Manning book and felt pretty good about myself. I also prayed the Song of Solomon verse. Tuesday it was pretty easy too. By Wednesday though, something was different.

If you're a girl, you can probably think of multiple movies where a guy has used some version of the you're-the-first-thing-I-want-to-see-when-I-wake-up line when he's telling a girl how much he loves her or asking her to marry him. It's very sweet, and whenever you hear it you do that thing where you awwww and put your hand over your heart and then use your hand to fan your eyes because you think you might cry because that is just so sweet and if a guy ever said that to you you might just die right then and there because life probably couldn't get any better than that moment. If you're a girl, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Well, usually when my alarm goes off, I get angry because I don't want to get up. But on Wednesday, my alarm went off, and I didn't mind it so much. Instead of my usual anger, all I really felt was excited because that meant I got to spend time with Jesus. I had that you're-the-first-thing-I-want-to-see-when-I-wake-up feeling about Him. I got my coffee and curled back in bed with my Bible. I read my passages for the day and spent some quiet time praying and just being with God. And I felt totally giddy about it--like head-over-heels giddy. I felt like I was in love.

I got ready for school and ran outside to start my car, and when I did, I saw the most amazing sunrise. The sky was a deep, bright pink and streaked with clouds. It caught me a little off guard because it was so beautiful. I skipped back into my house to finish getting ready, and all I could think was "Wow, Jesus loves me. He really loves me." After all, He had just written a love note for me in the sky. As I gathered up my things for school, all I wanted to do was not have to go. And not for the reasons I feel sometimes--it had nothing to do with talkative, unmotivated students. I didn't want to go because I wanted to crawl back into bed, read more of my Bible, and just spend more time with Christ. And I realized that was what I've been really missing. The feeling that I could never get enough of Jesus. And it was a nice feeling.

This morning, I read Psalm 7:17, which says, "I will give to the Lord the thanks due to his righteousness, and I will sing praise to the name of the Lord, the Most High." I don't really do that too often, so I decided that since it's the first Friday of 2011 it would be a good Friday to start a weekly feature on my blog. I decided to call it Psalm 7:17 Friday. So from now on, I'm planning to have a post every Friday where I reflect back on, thank God for, and praise Him for some of the things He did during the week. Here goes....

-A mom who is a beautiful example of a Godly woman, a constant source of support and encouragement, and a shining beacon of God's unconditional love

-The Bible and that some people divided it up into nice daily readings

-Friends who are believers

-Sunrises

-Answered prayers

How Old Am I Really??

Occasionally a student will slip up and call me mom in class. I like to think that I'm friendly and caring and that my students aren't afraid to come to me if they need help, so it doesn't bother me when it happens. But today a student called me grandma. Seriously. I am getting over a pretty nasty cold, so I know I don't look my best plus I don't have much of a voice, but I didn't know I looked old enough to be a grandmother.....In her defense, she was about to tell me a story about her grandma's new puppy. So I guess it's ok.

Little Edens

I'm kind of ashamed to say this, but I don't read the Bible as much as I should. If I love God, shouldn't I want to read His word to me? Probably. So one of my goals for this year is to read through the entire Bible. I got myself a snazzy ESV one-year Bible, and I am proud to report that as of this morning, I have read my section for each day. I know it's only been three days, but I'm still pretty pleased with myself (mainly because this morning I actually woke up early and read it before I went to school)!

Growing up in church, I heard the story of creation and the story of the fall a lot. God makes Adam and Eve. God tells them not to eat out of this one tree. They do. They get kicked out of Eden because they sin. So, I was honestly planning to breeze through the early stuff in my one-year Bible. As usual, my plan was stupid and wrong and didn't make a whole ton of sense. As I was reading, I came across Genesis 3:22-23:

"Then the Lord God said, 'Behold, the man has become like one of us in knowing good and evil. Now, lest he reach out his hand and take also of the tree of life and eat, and live forever--' therefore the Lord God sent him out from the garden of Eden to work the ground from which he was taken."

So yeah, Adam and Eve kind of have to leave because they ate from the wrong tree, but that's not really what that verse says. God sends them out of the garden so they won't eat from the tree of life. Yeah, we think that getting cast out was the worst thing that could have happened to Adam and Eve, but it wasn't. The worst thing would have been living forever in their sin, and that's what God saved them from. It wasn't so much that casting them out was punishment. It was an act of love.

This got me to thinking. I'm sure that there were times when Adam and Eve really missed Eden. They probably thought about it longingly and thought that if they could just somehow get back, their problems would be over. Little did they know that waiting inside what they thought was perfection was something incredibly dangerous to them. I think that we all have Edens in our lives. Something we think will make us happy, something we think will solve our problems, something we think will be just what we need. For me, it's things like a relationship, getting time to myself, not having to think about money ever again, or having a house one day with a library in it. Sometimes I think about these things, and I really want them. They start to seem like the perfect thing to me. I start to want them so much that I get angry with God for not giving them to me. But just like God kept Adam and Eve out of Eden for their own protection, I think He keeps my little Edens from me because He knows me better than I know myself. He knows it's better for me if I don't have the things I often think I need so badly because He knows that they would be dangerous for me. So instead of being upset that I don't get what I want, I can be thankful that God loves me enough to not give me whatever I ask for because He's looking out for me.

Let's be honest, anyone who knows me knows that if I had a big library in my house I might never see the sun--or another human being--again. That's probably why God hasn't let me have one yet....

Return!

Since it's a new year, I decided it was time for me to return to blogging. And since it's a new year, I also decided it was a good time to do some reflecting on last year and give myself a new direction for my blog.

I set off last year to embrace being single and celebrate myself. While some of it was fun, most of it didn't quite go how I was expecting. My plan was that doing all sorts of fun things would make me excited to be single even though most of my friends are married. It kind of backfired...a little...and I spent a lot of time being pretty sad about it. And a lot of time being convicted over my pride and selfishness.

I just finished reading The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, the third book in C.S. Lewis's Chronicles of Narnia series. (I saw the movie too--totally not as good as the book...but is anyone surprised by that? Not really.) There's a part in the book when one of the characters, Eustace, gets turned into a dragon. Eventually he turns back into a boy, and he tells Edmund the story of how he got un-dragoned. Basically, Aslan comes and gets him one night, and they walk away from where everyone else is asleep. Eustace tries a few times to take off his dragon skin, but every time he tries, it grows back. After the failed attempts, Aslan tells Edmund that he's going to have to take off the skin for him. Here's the passage where Aslan takes it off for him:

"The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off....Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off--just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt--and there it was, lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly-looking than the others had been. And there was I as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been."

I feel like that describes last year for me. I tried and tried to make myself ok with being single. But every time I tried, it, like Eustace's dragon skin, just came back. No matter what I did to convince myself I was fine, I couldn't do it. And finally, late in the spring, God brought me to the place where He told me that He had to do it for me. I had to admit to Him that I was sad. I had to admit that my life hadn't ended up the way I thought it would and that I was upset and angry about it. I had to let Him change my heart into a heart that delighted in Him and trusted Him with every part of my life. And when I did, He took my dragon skin off and it stayed off. It hurt. A lot. And it went deeper than I thought. But it was worth it because I knew that God was turning me into the girl I was supposed to be. He was setting me free.

So now, when I say that I'm ok being single, I can say it and mean it. Because it's true. Like Eustace, I'm sure I'll have some relapses, but "the cure has begun."

So in that spirit, I've given myself a new focus for the year. Last year was about loving myself....this year is about loving God. Last year was about being single. This year is about having a relationship with Him. Last year was about serving myself. This year is about how God wants to use me in this season of my life to serve Him and to serve others. I think it's going to be better than last year.