Lonely (What I've Learned from TV Part 2)

If it's Sunday night at 11:00, then anyone looking for me will find me in front of my tv, possibly perilously close to hugging it, reminding myself that Jesse Pinkman isn't real so it wouldn't do me any good to get in my car, drive to Albuquerque, find him, hug him, and try to save him.

Jesse Pinkman is one of the main characters on AMC's series Breaking Bad, which I started watching this summer based on a recommendation from my sister's friend, who I have since decided has the best television taste in the history of time. The show is that good. If you haven't seen it, the basic premise is that a high school chemistry teacher named Walter White gets diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, so he starts to cook meth to earn money to leave to take care of his family. He teams up with a former student, Jesse Pinkman, who helps him cook and sell the meth. I know, you're probably thinking that a show about meth dealers has to be horrible, but, while it does show a lot of the ins and outs of the meth trade, the show is really about people.

Because he's been involved in drugs since high school, Jesse is estranged from his family, and he basically lacks any real connection to anyone. During the first three seasons, you see him trying to form connections with people, and he's almost successful, most notably his relationship with Walt, which starts as teacher-student but begins to seem more like father-son as they work together, but something happens to mess up every real relationship he starts. Season four finds Jesse totally alone, trying to numb his sense of loneliness by filling his house with people and things. There's basically a lot of shots of Jesse sitting alone or doing things alone, and he seems like a shell of a human (and that's why the episodes this season have made me so impossibly sad).

Jesse is a perfect example of the desire we all have to be known, to have people in our lives who know all about us, who understand us. We want to matter to other people.

Since I'm now 27, I'm getting to a point where more and more of my friends are married and more and more of my friends have kids. What that means is that it's getting harder and harder to make plans with people--I've found that husbands and kids can limit one's spontaneity and that it can be difficult to work around three people's schedules instead of one. I'm sure if I had a husband and a kid I would be less into going out and doing things all the time, that going out to eat and going to the movies wouldn't be on my to do list every weekend, that going to concerts and on trips wouldn't be as easy. And I know that I would be worried about my married friends if they wanted to hang out with me instead of their husbands all the time. And while I completely understand, I would be lying if I said that not having a ton of single friends didn't make me feel lonely sometimes. Or sometimes make me feel like everyone's life is passing me by and I'm just getting farther and farther behind.

Then, when it's Sunday and I go to church and watch Breaking Bad and see sad, lonely Jesse Pinkman, I'm reminded that no matter how many people I'm around, no matter how many times I hang out with other people, doing things with people will never be enough to make me feel not lonely. And I remember how many people I have in my life who really know me, how many people I have in my life who I can be honest with, how many people in my life really care about me. And how that's so much better than having people around all the time to do trivial things with. I'm also reminded that even if I had a packed social calendar plus all my close friends I would still feel lonely sometimes because no one could ever fully know me or satisfy my every need or make me feel loved every second. I remember that the only real cure for my loneliness is Christ, and I remember how when I look to other people instead of Him to cure my loneliness, it breaks His heart, just like my heart breaks when I watch Jesse Pinkman.

Satisfied (What I've Learned from TV part 1)

If you read my blog at all last summer, you may remember that during the summers I watch a lot of tv shows on DVD. Last summer, I watched Prison Break, which you may recall made me slightly paranoid for about a week. Using your mad deductive reasoning skills, you can figure out that I've watched my fair share of tv shows this summer too. The other day my mom asked me why I found television so interesting and how I thought that Jesus fit into tv. I gave her a short answer, basically telling her that I liked getting to see different perspectives and that I thought Jesus was most present in His absence (which will make more sense later). After talking with her (and being harassed by a certain wonderful friend who I think dearly missed my blog), I decided to do a four-part series entitled What I've Learned from TV in which I highlight some of the spiritual truths I've been reminded of this summer.

Recently I started watching Mad Men. A combination of multiple awards and multiple people talking about how amazing this show is made me decide to try watching it last year. I hated it. I watched five or six episodes and couldn't figure out why people thought it was so good. Despite that fact, I decided to give it another chance this summer, and I'm so glad I did. I think the problem before was that I was watching Season 3, and because the show is so character-driven, you really have to start at the beginning or things won't make sense. So a few weeks ago I settled in with Season 1 and haven't looked back.

If you've never seen the show, the basic story is about a character named Don Draper who works as the creative director at an advertising agency in the 1960s. Don has a great job that he's very good at, a beautiful wife, kids, a great car, and a house in the suburbs with a red door that I absolutely love. He's good looking, charming, and every girl he ever meets basically falls all over him. There's lots of cocktails, smoking, and really great clothes. Anyone looking at him would think he had the perfect life, but Don also has a pretty big secret and an undesirable childhood that he's run away from. Basically, he has built for himself the ideal American-dream life like Jay Gatsby in The Great Gatsby, which is one of my all-time favorite books, and I suspect that the parallels I see between the two characters may be one reason why I enjoy the show so much.

As you watch the show and learn more about Don's past, it becomes clear that he is the archetypal self-made man. Everything he has he has worked hard for, and he works even harder it seems to keep up the facade that his life is amazing and satisfying. In the early seasons, there are several occasions when another character will ask Don why something is being done. He always responds with "it's what people do," as if the entire motivation for his life up to this point has been trying to follow the status quo because that will, eventually, lead to a sense of being fulfilled, yet the more you watch and the more he gets, the more disillusioned he becomes. And, when you get to Season 3, you start to notice that Don begins to feel guilty somewhat for his job. He creates ad campaigns selling things to people on the pretense that these things will make them happy, but he is becoming all to familiar with what a lie that is.

Watching Don Draper, I can't help but see shades of myself. I think that if I just work hard enough, do well enough, I can build for myself a rather perfect and satisfying life. I can't count how many times I've thought to myself this Spring that I've done everything right--I went to college, have a good job, I even threw in a year as a "missionary" for good measure--and yet the result isn't what it should be. Since I worked hard, aren't I supposed to be able to have the things that I want--like my own house, a fabulous wardrobe, a husband? I mean, I live in America, and isn't that what American kids are told growing up?

But watching Mad Men is a wonderful reminder that the American dream I am sometimes so upset about not seeing come true in my life is, in fact, a far cry from the satisfaction it promises. It is actually the exact opposite; it's really a trap that would leave me forever thinking I just needed one more thing or wondering why I still wasn't happy when I had checked everything off the list, like Don Draper surely would be able to do. It is a wonderful reminder that the longing of my heart will never be satisfied by a house, or a spouse, or praise and accolades at work, or the attention of others. (Or accidentally rhyming in a blog post.) It is an example of just how unsatisfying all that is and a reminder that satisfaction comes in the form of Christ alone. So as I watch, I can't help but think to myself that Don Draper would be a lot happier if he really was late for work "because [he] was spending time with [his] family reading the Bible."

(As a side note, I have been doing things other than watching tv this summer. One of which was a Bible study doing the first book in Priscilla Shirer's Seed Series. It's kind of a funny thing...most of my tv lessons line up with what I've been learning during my time in the word this summer. Who would have thought?)

Where Have I Been??

My mom asked me this week why I had stopped blogging. Well, the short answer is that school ended and I needed a break from pretty much everything. Add to that the fact that I taught a graduate class on grammar for teachers in my district (which I had to design the curriculum and create everything for) and that my family went on vacation, and you get the basic reasons why I've been absent from the blog. But, never fear, I'm feeling recovered from the year, still single, and planning on returning with a real post this week!

Today's Reason to be Glad School's Almost Over

The last day for students is Thursday, so this week is half days and exams! You can tell that school needs to end for lots of reasons. Here's one from this morning.

Me: "You just need to put your name on the Scantron. Don't worry about the subject or the date. If you want to put it, fine, but if you don't know the date, don't worry about it. I just need your name."

Student 1: "What's the date?"

Student 2: "Do you want us to put ELA for the subject?"

Student 3: "Is it May 31st?"

Seriously. Sometimes I wonder why I speak in my classroom.

Summer Reading

To kick off my summer reading for this year, I decided it was time for me to reread Gone With the Wind. I've been reading Pat Conroy's reading memoir My Reading Life, and he devotes an entire chapter to GWTW and what an amazing book it is. This, along with going to see The Conspirator, gave me the nudge I needed to give GWTW, all 1448 pages of it, its second read. I've been wanting to read it again for a while, but the fact that I lost my original copy during one of my 4 moves in the past 3 years was holding me back. I got my first copy at this tiny English bookstore in St. Petersburg and stayed up all night reading it on the night train back to Moscow. I then devoted all my metro rides for a week or so to it. My first copy traveled all over Russia with me, so it had a special place in my heart. I've been in denial that I lost it and have been refusing to get another copy, but Sunday I broke down and got a new one. I started rereading it on Monday (and all my students are freaked out by its massive size...and even more freaked when I tell them this is the second time I'm reading it).

The beginning of this book makes me think that I was perhaps born at the wrong time. I think part of me was meant to live on an antebellum plantation, wearing hoop skirts and sitting on my big front porch while boys came calling. Then, I would have gotten married and just had to sit in a chair and look pretty. I mean, what girl wouldn't kind of want to live in a time characterized by "exaggerated courtesy to women"?

It also makes me want to give any kid I may have in the future some incredibly Southern name like Cade, Raiford, or Wilkes. (I mean, Cade Calvert, I love it.)

And the beginning makes me kind of sad that life's not like that anymore. Then I remember the whole slavery thing and feel like a really bad person.

Anyway, I highly recommend the book. You just have to get past the length, which even I admit is a little intimidating at first. But I promise, it's totally worth it. And don't think you can just watch the movie because they leave out TONS of great stuff, including one particularly charming scene involving Scarlett, Rhett, and a horse-and-buggy.

Psalm 7:17 Friday XVII

"I will give to the Lord the thanks due to his righteousness, and I will sing praise to the name of the Lord, the Most High."

-Psalm 7:17

Things I am Thankful for This Week

-A small group where I can be honest without fear of being judged

-Friends who encourage me and pray for me

-PASS testing--which I mostly hate, but which does mean that I had my last block class for only 45 minutes a day this week instead of 90

-Reading The Giver, one of my all-time favorite books, with my students

-My Honors ELA class this year because they make me laugh and show me everyday that all the things I dreamed of when I decided to become a teacher are actually possible

-pintrest.com, which is great for the 5 minutes between classes because I know that when I pull it up there will be something that makes me smile (but every once in a while there is something kind of inappropriate....)

-looking at recipes and knowing I have a friend to cook with this summer

-two-and-a-half weeks until Summer

-Having friendships that are comfortable and broken in, ones where you can hang out by sitting on the couch, drinking wine, and watching tv without really talking all that much

-The sequel to The Red Pyramid, which came out a few weeks ago but I'm just getting around to reading

-Going to my first NASCAR race with on of my best friends (and the fact that we've been best friends since we were in 5th grade)

-Both my sisters being in town last weekend

-My mom!!

Yeah I Am....

Song Lyrics

I like to think that in another life, where I am much cooler than I am now, I would be able to play the guitar and write amazing songs. Sadly, I'm me, and I can't. But, that doesn't mean I can't appreciate a good lyric when I hear one. Probably because I'm a word person, I listen to lyrics a lot more closely than most people I know (which probably explains why I don't listen to many of the songs my students listen to....), and often times I find that they are particularly apt at speaking to certain things going on in my life. This was really true over the past week and a half or so. So, I thought it would be fun if I summed up my recent life in lyrics. (And, I'm also considering making this an assignment for my students sometime....)

"Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear."

-"Run" by Snow Patrol

So this song isn't about God at all, but this makes me think about Him anyway. I was feeling a little deserted and alone, but when I listened to this song on the way to visit my sister, it reminded me that even when I feel like He's forgotten about me, God is right with me all the time.

"I never learned to count my blessings,

I choose to dwell in my disasters."

-"Empty" by Ray LaMontagne

Story of my life. And it reminds me that I have a choice--I can focus on the bad things, which is so easy to do, or I can force myself to turn my mind to the good.

"I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith and love and every grace
Might more of His salvation know
And seek more earnestly His face

Twas He who taught me thus to pray
And He I trust has answered prayer
But it has been in such a way
As almost drove me to despair

I hoped that in some favored hour
At once He'd answer my request
And by His love's constraining power
Subdue my sins and give me rest

Instead of this He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart
And let the angry powers of Hell
Assault my soul in every part

Yea more with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Cast out my feelings, laid me low

Lord why is this, I trembling cried
Wilt Thou pursue thy worm to death?
'Tis in this way' The Lord replied
'I answer prayer for grace and faith'

'These inward trials I employ
From self and pride to set thee free
And break thy schemes of earthly joy
That thou mayest seek thy all in me,
That thou mayest seek thy all in me.'"

-"I Asked the Lord" lyrics by John Newton

So we sang this song at church on Sunday, and it was like someone had looked

into my heart and written down exactly how I've been feeling. Particularly the

part about hoping God would grant one of my requests and "subdue" my sin but

He makes my sin more clear instead. It also made me remember how thankful I

should be when God doesn't give me what I want.

Thankful

I obviously missed my Friday post last week. I would like to be able to say I missed it because I was busy doing something super awesome. But the real reason is because I was being silly and throwing myself a rather large pity party. Thankfully, Jesus and I had a nice chat about my life, and now I'm feeling much better. So, in lieu of my late post, here's a nice picture.

Psalm 7:17 Friday XVI

"I will give to the Lord the thanks due to his righteousness, and I will sing praise to the name of the Lord, the Most High."

-Psalm 7:17

Things I am Thankful for This Week

-Spring Break!

-Visiting both my sisters this week

-Getting my first facial with my big sis! (They are amazing.)

-The chance to house-sit, which meant getting some real alone time

-Brother-Sister day with my little brother--lunch, a movie, and Marble Slab

-Having my whole family in town for the weekend

-Unless something crazy happens in the next 3:03, the Celtics will be up 3-0 in their series with the Knicks

-Jesus

Sinful Sinner

The more mature I become as a Christian, the more of a failure I see I am. This week I was in a situation where my own sins of selfishness, jealousy, and my need for acceptance and praise from others became painfully clear to me. So I found myself reflecting on my own thoughts/feelings/actions and comparing them to the thoughts/feelings/actions that I, as a Christian, should have. My life should be centered on the Gospel, and out of that I should be satisfied and accepted in Christ and should gladly suffer and serve others, seeking nothing for myself. The more I thought, the more upset and discouraged I became because I had in my mind a list of feelings I should have had, but I couldn't make myself feel them. I knew what my actions should have been, but no matter how many times I told myself to, I couldn't joyfully do them. If I know what my sin is and I know how my life should be, I asked myself, why can't I change it? Why can't I make myself stop sinning?

The answer is because I can't. I can't change myself. I can't overcome my sin. Thankfully, because of Christ, my sin has been taken care of. It's been forgiven. In Him, my sin has been overcome. I, apparently, have issues believing and accepting that.

As I thought about that and how it relates to how I feel about my sin, I realized that my sin just makes me more sinful...or just reveals more of my sin. I don't get upset about my sin because of how it hurts God. I get upset because it hurts me--it makes me feel bad about myself, it makes me feel like I'm not a good Christian (whatever that means....). I don't get upset about my sin because of how it affects or hurts other people. I get upset because I'm afraid of how it's going to affect my relationships with other people. Of how it might make me lose a friend or how it might make someone not like me (gasp). I get upset because I can't make myself be perfect, because, no matter how hard I work, I can't make myself better.

Recently I've started thinking about buying a house, and in general, whenever I think about it, I get overwhelmed and wish that I were married so the decision wasn't just mine. When I think about having a house, I get nervous thinking about taking care of it by myself. But, when I think about my sin, I get frustrated that I can't handle it on my own. I crave self-sufficiency in areas of my life where it's impossible to have it, areas where it is unnecessary, and I fear it in places where it is possible.

I guess all that goes to show me just how much I need Jesus. Just how messed up I am. Just how thankful I should be. And just how much I really don't get it.

Psalm 7:17 Friday XV

I will give to the Lord the thanks due to his righteousness, and I will sing praise to the name of the Lord, the Most High.

-Psalm 7:17

Obviously I was upset this morning, and I was getting even more upset because I was upset. I know that doesn't make much sense, but whenever I start to feel upset or sad or jealous or anything really (except for happy), I start to beat myself up for not having some sort of super emotion control. It's like I have this idea of how I should feel, and if it doesn't match with how I really feel, I start to feel like a failure. This morning, as I was going on an on about being mad at myself for having stupid feelings, one of my friends told me I can't make myself stop feeling and I can't make myself feel guilty for having feelings. She told me to just let myself feel it for a while and move on. So that's what I did...hence my post from earlier today...that was me letting myself feel. And, just like my wise friend said, it made me feel much better, and it helped me move on. So, on to a much happier post!

Things I am Thankful for This Week

-getting to go to my brother's baseball game

-my mom (it's her birthday!)

-friends at work who bring me Starbucks and who will pick me up from the car place in the mornings so I can get my oil changed

-SPRING BREAK IS NEXT WEEK!! I plan to do a lot of reading, writing, cooking, and napping.

-Honesty and encouragement from my Bible study girls

-All my friends who put up with me--because I'm kind of a total roller coaster

-Seeing my grandparents on Wednesday

-Fried squash made by my Nana

-My cool Tervis Tumbler that I got at the Masters last week, which has made me drink more water than Diet Coke at school this week

-8th graders

-Tim Keller's new book about Jesus, King's Cross, and the Amazon gift card my friend gave me for my birthday that let me buy it

-Working at a school that had a teacher flash mob in the gym this morning...yes, we danced to the song "Friday."

Life's Not Fair.

And that makes me really mad sometimes. Especially when I can look around and see other people who have everything I want. And when people I know keep getting the things I really want while I have to sit back and get none of them at all. And when I've lost count of how many times that has happened to me because it happens with everything and I've gotten to a place where every time I want something I just expect it to come to someone else so I'm not surprised when it happens, I'm just really, really discouraged and sad. And then I'm left sitting in a classroom full of students just trying really hard not to cry and wondering if God really loves me because it just doesn't feel that way.

Even though I know it's wrong to feel that way, I do. And even though I'm sure the people in my life who keep getting the things I want have their own problems, I don't really care, and it doesn't make me feel any better. And even though I know God has already given me more than I deserve, I kind of just wish He would throw me a bone or something and just give me one thing from my list, just once. And even though I logically know that He's doing what's best for me, I can't logic away my feelings or turn them off or control them automatically. And that makes me really angry.

And I'm fully aware of just how full of sin my post is, and I'm working on it. But sometimes I'm just too tired of dealing with it and trying to pretend like I'm on top of everything and not struggling, and today is one of those days. Thankfully next week is Spring Break...too bad I can't get the week off from sin too.

Perfect Planning

In talking to a lot of my friends this week, it dawned on me how pretty much everyone has something in their life that they wish were different. Even if they're super content, people still have lapses where they really wish their life looked a certain way. Lately, I've been in somewhat of a lapse.

When I was younger, I had this vision of what my life would look like, and sometimes I really still want that. In my vision, I was some amazingly chic girl who lived in a city and had some fabulous job where she made lots of money and could get all sorts of fabulous things and who had a fabulous husband that she always did fabulous things with like going to dinner at cool restaurants every night, going to shows, and traveling to all kinds of amazing places.

Right now, I'm a single middle-school teacher who lives in a small Southern town with her mom, step-dad, and seven-year-old brother. It's basically the exact opposite of what I dreamed of. So opposite that I use a version of it as an example when I'm teaching my students about irony.

Whenever you graduate from anything, people like to give you stuff with Jeremiah 29:11 all over it: "'For I know the plans that I have for you' declares the Lord, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.'" I guess this is a nice thing to tell people, but in general I feel like kids going off to college tend to have some kind of plan figured out (although it usually changes). They feel like they have the whole world in front of them, and they tend to be pretty optimistic about their life and how it is going to turn out. People also say this verse when something really big (usually bad) happens to someone--kind of like this "yeah, I know this is really terrible, but it's God's plan, so it's what's best for you." There's nothing wrong with that either--we need to be reminded of it during difficult times.

But I think people really need to hear this verse more when they get older and they have those moments when they start to think to themselves, "Hey, my life shouldn't be this way." The moments when they look around at what they're doing and feel like it's small, unimportant stuff. The moments when they feel like no one sees or appreciates them. The ones where they start to feel a little useless or like they deserve something more. The ones where they start to think about what kind of life would really make them happy--and it's not the one they're living. We need to be reminded that God's plan is just as present in the mundane things as it is in the big stuff.

The thing about seeing God's plan in the mundane is that if we take the time to look, we can usually see reasons why God is right and we are wrong. This isn't always the case with the big stuff; God's reasons aren't usually as obvious when we're there. Like my student whose dad just died--it's hard to see the reasons for that. But the fact that I'm single, that I'm a teacher, that I just moved back home, if I take the time to think about it, I can see so many reasons why that's best for me, why it's better for me than being some cool, married, urban girl. Why I like it more than I would like my other life. To prove that, I started to think of a list why the place I am is exactly the place I'm supposed to be.

Reasons Why, if You are Me, it is Great to be a Single Teacher Who Lives at Home

1) If I lived somewhere else, I would go to a different church. And if I did that, I wouldn't have been in my Bible study for the past year and a half. The girls in my group have been some of the biggest blessings to me. They have put up with me complaining/melting down over a lot of things, and they always listen and encourage me.

2) My mom is amazing. She went out of town for a day yesterday, and I was sad when I got home because I didn't get to see her. It's really great to go home after a long day and know that she'll be there waiting for me with a hug.

3) I get to see my little brother grow up. He gets excited when I get home. I get to go to his soccer, basketball, and baseball games. I get to play Transformers, and cars, and build stuff out of Legos.

4) I'm close to my family and get to see them often.

5) I work at a great school with great people. Some of my closest friends now are people I work with, and a lot of them are Christians so I can go in their rooms in the mornings or afternoons if I'm having a hard day and know that they will speak truth to me. It is wonderful.

6) Students! I'm not going to lie, it is nice when you go to work everyday and people are excited to see you. Especially when they are middle schoolers and they smile and run down the hall to hug you in the mornings. And when they go on to 8th grade but still come back to the 7th grade hall and see you. But, it's even greater when you can see them grow over the course of the year. I have several students this year who started off as struggling ELA students. This week we have been writing analytical essays on novels they read in class. One of these students in particular is doing an amazing job. He was the only one in his class to write his own thesis, and he is finding great quotes to support it and thinking deeply about his book. I am so proud! It's also really fun to go to all their games and performances and see how talented they are and to see how much it means to them and know God is using me to make a difference in their lives.

7) Reading! I get to read at work. And I get to help kids pick out books. And I get to see kids turn in to readers!

8) Time. Because I'm single, I have a lot of flexibility with my time. I can serve people in ways that my married friends and my friends with kids can't. The time I would spend working on my relationship with my husband can be spread around to lots of relationships--with my family, my friends, and my students. And I have lots of time for myself. Just last week I was talking to one of my married friends about how busy I have been lately. I was telling her about how I had spent time with my brother, gotten coffee with a friend, gone to several baseball games to see students, done homebound with one of my students who is out, gone to see a friend who was going through a hard time, plus a bunch of other stuff (like work and meetings....). Her response was "Yeah, you wouldn't be able to do all of that if you were married." Since I'm single, God can use me to love tons of different people.

So see, God knows exactly what He's doing. He knows me better than I know myself. And while I sometimes question it, His plan is perfect, and I am right where I should be.

Psalm 7:17 Friday XIV Weekend Edition

I will give to the Lord the thanks due to his righteousness, and I will sing praise to the name of the Lord, the Most High.

-Psalm 7:17

Things I am Thankful for This Week

-a fun brother/sister weekend with my little brother that included a trip to the children's museum, taking him to one of my favorite restaurants for the first time, and letting him eat way too much ice cream at Marble Slab

-My first trip to the Masters

-Quality time with friends

-Seeing my little sister

-Finally getting some down time on Saturday morning

-the 4th book in the Mortal Instruments series

-One week until Spring Break

-Aloe for my sunburn

And a list from my brother....

-Jesus

-Mom

-Dad

-My sisters and my brother

Taking a Break/Observations from Augusta

I, like I feel a lot of Southern people, get really excited about the Masters. The course is beautiful, the CBS music is great, it marks the start of Spring. Generally speaking, it's pretty great. But, until yesterday, I had never been.

A few weeks ago, my best friend called and asked if I would like to go with her to yesterday's practice round and Par 3 contest. Of course, I jumped at the chance to make my first trip to Augusta National and see all the beautiful stuff I've been watching on tv forever. And the timing could not have been more perfect. I've had an insane past few weeks. They've been filled with meetings, third quarter grades, doing homebound instruction, a fun brother-sister weekend with my little brother, and two people close to me losing family members. With the exception of my birthday last week, when I came home right after school and put on pajamas, the earliest I've gotten home is around 8:00. For an introvert like me, being away from home and with people for 12 hours a day for over 2 weeks is pretty exhausting. In short, I needed a day off.

Going with my friend and her mom to Augusta was just the break I needed. It's beautiful there...seriously one of the most beautiful places I've ever been. Everything is basically perfect. It's kind of like the cleanest theme park you could think...except that it's really quiet because everyone whispers, which when you work with seventh graders who don't get the idea of an "inside voice," is absolutely wonderful, and there aren't rides, you just get to walk and sit all day. And, the food is really good. With the exception of my now major sunburn, it was an all-around perfect day.

As we were driving home yesterday, I thought about God and how before I was born He knew everything about my life and how that plan is perfect. And I thought about how He knew that I was going to meet my best friend when we were in 5th grade after our moms met at Parent Night. And I thought about how He knew all about what my last two weeks would be like and how much I would need a day off....and He started arranging it 16 years ago. And as wonderful as my day at the Masters was, that's even better.

***************

Here are a few fun observations from my day trip to Augusta:

1) One great thing about the Masters is that it is one of the few (maybe the only) times where the line for the men's room is longer than the line for the women's.

2) The Par 3 Contest is really fun because the golfers pick fun people to caddy for them. That means that some pick friends, or wives, or moms, but the really cool ones pick their kids. So, you get to watch little kids run around in caddy outfits, which just may be the cutest thing I've ever seen.

3) I think I am maybe supposed to marry a professional golfer so that I can spend my life walking around golf courses and watching people golf. It's very relaxing.

4) Ian Poulter is taller than he looks on tv. (Plus he's British and had his mom caddying for him, which was really cute....but none of those things have anything to do with observation number 3....)

5) It's really fun to drink a beer with your best friend's mom at 12:00 on a school day when you know your co-workers are probably in a meeting during their planning period.

6) I really should use more sunscreen than I do...or invent some magic way to not miss/forget places like my neck.

7) The course at Augusta National is a lot hillier than it looks on tv.

8) Some women think of golfers the way most people think about rock stars. If you don't believe me, here's a story:

My friend and I were waiting to watch Fred Couples, Ricky Fowler, and Phil Mickelson at the 10th tee. Two women, who looked to be about my mom's age, rushed over, stood in front of us, and immediately started talking about how good looking they think Phil Mickelson is. They were like giddy school girls talking about a cute boy (which is something I'm kind of an expert on since I see it basically on a daily basis). As they were talking, the woman in front of them turned around, looked at them, and said (this is a direct quote; I'm not kidding), "Just wait until you see him swing."

I had to hide behind my friend because I started laughing at them....

Psalm 7:17 Friday XIII

I will give to the Lord the thanks due to his righteousness, and I will sing praise to the name of the Lord, the Most High.

-Psalm 7:17

Things I am Thankful for This Week

Before I start my list, let me just start by saying that this week was a pretty difficult week. One of my close friends lost her older brother in a car accident, and Wednesday marked 15 years since I lost my dad. Needless to say, I'm feeling a little emotionally exhausted today, so it's really good for me to think of things I'm thankful for. But perhaps what I am most thankful for this week is the reminder that God is with us in everything and that His grace is sufficient for us.

-turning 27

-tons of fantastic presents from my friends who obviously know me quite well....they managed to cover the three great loves of my life: reading, cooking, and music

-rereading one of my favorite books (and reading the notes I've left in the margins)

-my job because I work with people who genuinely care about each other

-my little brother who told me this week he doesn't want me to buy a house because he wants me to live with him forever

-seeing my students grow as writers

-Ramona and Beezus, which was a totally adorable movie

-friends who are willing to reschedule things to go with me to funerals that are out of town so that I don't have to drive myself while crying

-Getting to see 2 Corinthians 1:3-7 be true in my life:

³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ⁵ For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. ⁶ If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. ⁷ And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

Psalm 7:17 Friday XII

I will give to the Lord the thanks due to his righteousness, and I will sing praise to the name of the Lord, the Most High.

-Psalm 7:17

Things I am Thankful for This Week

-my little brother (When my older sister asked him if he wanted me to get my own house so that he could come over and spend the night, he said, "No. I want her to live with me forever.")

-Friends who give me Doritos at school on Friday afternoons after a long week

-9 weeks left in the school year

-Spring sports--that means I get to go to soccer and baseball games

-really good and exciting NCAA tournament games (although my bracket is not as thankful as I am....)

-Episodes of My So-Called Life instantly on Netflix

-birthday dinner with my family

-birthday pound cake made by my Nana

-Legos--amazing stress relief I would never have found if not for my brother

-Opportunities to love my students this week, including going to their games and making hospital visits

-Having a car and being able to drive--driving to the hospital this week, which is about a 30-minute drive, and back home for a soccer game and a meeting, all I could think about was how I wouldn't have been able to do that when I lived in Moscow and had to take public transportation/walk everywhere

-dinner with friends

-new jeans

-finishing my 6th book of the Bible

-my new Hebrew-Greek Key Word Study Bible--I don't know how a word nerd like me made it so long without one

Being an Anna

Last week I finished Mark and started reading Luke. The beginning of Luke is probably one of the more familiar passages in the Bible because it's got the really bang-up Christmas story--you know the one with the decree going out Caesar Augustus and all--so I was reading along slightly disengaged. You get through the shepherds and get to the part where Mary and Joseph take Jesus to the temple. You read about Simeon, who had been waiting years for Christ to be born, which is also a pretty familiar story for people like me who grew up in church. And if you're one of those people, you also know what comes next--Jesus stays in the temple, His parents think He's lost, and they find Him talking to the teachers.

In light of all that, I was a little surprised to happen across three verses I can't remember really reading before, which is odd considering how many times I have read the stories that come right before and right after them. The verses are Luke 2:36-38. They tell the story of a prophetess named Anna. (And no, if you're thinking back to the title, I'm not about to reveal the fact that I'm prophetic...although that would be kind of cool if it were true.) Here's what Luke wrote about her:

"She was advanced in years, having lived with her husband seven years from when she was a virgin, and then as a widow until she was eighty-four. She did not depart from the temple, worshipping with fasting and prayer night and day. And coming up at that very hour she began to give thanks to God and to speak of him to all who were waiting for the redemption of Jerusalem."

Per the footnote in my Bible, some translations say that Anna had been a widow for eighty-four years. Whichever way, I think it's safe to say that Anna had been a single lady for quite some time. Anna's single life was a life devoted to worship and prayer. And then it became a life devoted to thanking God and sharing Him with others.

After reading her story, I had two thoughts. First, what a beautiful role model for me as a single lady myself. Like Anna, I have the freedom to be totally devoted to the Lord, to worshipping Him, to praising Him, to sharing Him. (Not that my married friends with husbands and children can't have lives like that too--I just mean that I get to choose how I spend all my time. If Anna had a husband and children, she wouldn't have been able to stay in the temple all the time.) Second, I felt convicted because my life doesn't look like that. I'm not someone who is totally devoted to the Lord. I don't always use my time to serve Him well.

So my goal for this week is to be thankful for Anna and the example she set and to be more aware of how I use my time and look for ways to serve God better with the time and the gift of singleness He has given me!

Psalm 7:17 Friday XI (Delayed....)

I went with some of my middle schoolers to the state student council convention this weekend and didn't take my computer, so my Friday post is a few days late....

I will give to the Lord the thanks due to his righteousness, and I will sing praise to the name of the Lord, the Most High.

-Psalm 7:17

Things I am Thankful for This Week

-laughter

-my sisters

-former students who are excited to see me--they are reminders that even though it doesn't feel like it sometimes I do make a difference in some kids' lives

-spring weather and baseball games to go to

-friends who bring me milkshakes from Chic-fil-A

-When You Reach Me, my community book club book for March--it was a delightful read

-finishing my 5th book of the Bible

-one more week of being 26

Psalm 7:17 Friday X

I will give to the Lord the thanks due to his righteousness, and I will sing praise to the name of the Lord, the Most High.

-Psalm 7:17

Things I am Thankful for This Week

-Jesus. He's crazy about me. He gives me wonderful gifts I don't deserve. He's patient with me--even when it takes me a really long time to learn something, He doesn't get frustrated and quit on me. He is strong and perfect when I am weak and sinful. Is there anything that deserves my thankfulness more than that?

So I Think I'm Part Israelite....

My epic journey through the Bible has brought me to Numbers and to the middle of the desert with everyone's favorite Biblical complainers, the Israelites. They complain about everything. We don't have food. Now we have food, but it's not good enough because it isn't meat. We used to have lots of food when we were slaves. We want to be slaves again. Moses is a bad leader! He brought us out here to kill us. They're some hard core complainers.

I'm starting to get rather annoyed with them. Much like I get rather annoyed with my students when they complain about assignments, class activities, or anything. I just want to go back in time, grab some Israelites, and yell at them. Do you not remember how bad it was for you in Egypt?? Do you not remember how badly you wanted out?? Have you forgotten how God worked to free you? I mean there were plagues; water turned into blood....how do you forget that? Moses didn't bring you out here to kill you--you asked to get brought out here! And the food thing. Do you not get that every morning God provides for you? Sure, manna might not be the most delicious thing ever, but it gives you what you need. God brought you out of slavery, parted a sea for you, gives you food everyday, and you have the audacity to say that that's not good enough? That you deserve more? Oh, wait. There is more. He's promised to give you a land of your own, and with all the cool stuff He's been doing for you, you shouldn't doubt that. You should be excited, expectant. The promise of that should be enough for you. Knowing you've been saved and knowing you will one day get your promised land should be good enough for you.

I have a slight tendency to rant when I get frustrated or annoyed.... but back to the point.

The truth is if the Israelites could time travel to today, they could look at me and say the same things to me. God brought me out of my slavery to my sin nature, and He used something more than plagues. He used His Son. But I often willingly go back. Anyone who knows me could fill you in on some of my more habitual sins, ironically including the fact that I'm a chronic complainer. I'm not thankful for how God provides for me. I have a job, which as a teacher these days is actually saying quite a lot. But I complain about my students and how much work I always have. I complain that I don't get paid enough, especially since I started looking at houses. I'm not thankful for what God has given me--I just look at it and, like the Israelites, think it's not enough. And like the Israelites, I get frustrated with my desert sometimes. Life gets really hard, and instead of finding joy and comfort in the fact that God is with me, I get negative and focus on the bad things, on how hard something is. Instead of resting in the promise of my promised land, heaven, I just think about how I'm not happy in the moment.

As it so often is, it is easier for me to look at the Israelites and see their sin than it is for me to see my own. And, because I'm judgmental, I read about them and think how horrible and ungrateful they are when really I should look at them and see myself. And when I start to get annoyed and angry with them and just feel like I've had enough, I should become even more thankful that God doesn't feel that way about me.

Psalm 7:17 Friday IX

I will give to the Lord the thanks due to his righteousness, and I will sing praise to the name of the Lord, the Most High.

-Psalm 7:17

Things I am Thankful for This Week

-Babies who are going to be girls--because all my friends right now have boys (don't get me wrong, boys are great...but I'm excited to know that I now have an excuse to get cute baby girl things)

-My first experience playing Just Dance 2 on Wii--maybe the most fun thing ever

-Catching up with old friends

-Quality time with my mom and big sister at Ladies' Tea

-Brother/Sister hang-out night with my little brother (code for eating too much ice cream, popcorn with Raisenettes, and watching How to Train Your Dragon

-Having a friend who lets me pick out what kind of day lilies I want him to plant in his yard...and letting me pick where they get planted (since I won't be planting flowers in my own yard anytime soon)

-Fun evenings in Greenville, complete with dinner at Chicora, Blueberry Frog, a walk around downtown, a new record, and a concert at the Handlebar

-Dinner at friends' houses

-Getting all my old music transferred off my iPod and back on to my computer

-March, otherwise known as my birthday month!

-Finishing Leviticus, which means my book count is now up to 4!

-That, thanks to Christ, we no longer live under the law

-Grace

-Praying for someone and getting to see the Lord work in their life

Psalm 7:17 Friday VIII

I will give to the Lord the thanks due to his righteousness, and I will sing praise to the name of the Lord, the Most High.

-Psalm 7:17

Things I am Thankful for This Week

-Girl Scout cookies

-My big sister, who celebrated her birthday this week

-Having two of my sisters in town at the same time

-Pound cake

-My mom, who brings me coffee in the mornings

-My job because I get to teach grammar and use passages from Harry Potter to illustrate the effects of punctuation

-Not being sick

-GChat, which lets me "talk" to my sister even though she's at work until 10:30 at night

-Knowing that my identity and my value are secure in Christ

Boo Sin! Hooray Leviticus!

Yeah, I know. Maybe one of the greatest blog title posts you have ever read....

I'm reading Leviticus. I feel like as far as books of the Bible are concerned, Leviticus has rather a bad reputation. It's usually thought of as that book with a bunch of laws that Jesus rendered moot so there's probably not a whole bunch of reasons to read it all nowadays. I mean, at least that's how I used to feel about Leviticus. To be honest, when I set out to read the whole Bible this year, I kind of saw Leviticus as something I just had to get through and honestly wasn't expecting to take too much away from it.

As usual, I wasn't all that right. Today I finished chapter 12, and let me tell you what I've learned so far. Sin is a really big deal. It seems obvious I know, but reading in-depth descriptions of the proper way to sacrifice an animal as a means of atonement will make you think about sin in a whole new way. There's something about the idea of, when you realized your sin, having to go get an unblemished sheep, goat, or bull, a pigeon or a turtledove, or some unleavened bread to bring to the temple to be sacrificed that changes your perspective. So often, I don't really see the consequences of my sin. It's easy for me to think of some sins as small and as not that big of a deal. I can guarantee, however, that if I had to go out and get something to sacrifice, I wouldn't think of my sin as so small. It would become rather big because it would inconvenience me--I would have to take my time and my money to make a sacrifice. And I would have to keep making them over and over. (Not to mention being slightly grossed out by the whole sprinkling blood thing and the removing the fat thing.)

Before I keep going, let me just say that I am very thankful for Jesus and His sacrifice on the cross and I wouldn't ever want to have to go back to the old school way of sacrificing animals and/or unleavened bread. I do think though that in terms of facing/dealing with sin, us modern-day Christians get off somewhat easier than the ones back in the Levitical days (I'm not sure if Levitical is a word, but I'm going to just go with it.) I can let myself excuse some sins as not really being sins or recognize that they're sins but not really be too bothered by them. And that's a little embarrassing/horrifying to admit. Jesus took the punishment for my sins, and that makes me beyond grateful, but I also think that sometimes the reality of that fades from my mind and I get apathetic towards sin. Especially when I don't see an immediate consequence.

What I'm learning from Leviticus is that sin is bad and that it's a big deal. It is reminding me that sin has real consequences, and it is giving me a newer, much bigger perspective of the Gospel truth that Christ died for my sins and that I am forgiven.

Psalm 7:17 Friday VII

I will give to the Lord the thanks due to his righteousness, and I will sing praise to the name of the Lord, the Most High.

-Psalm 7:17

Things I am Thankful for This Week

-Jesus--ultimately for my forgiveness, but this week I started reading Leviticus, so I'm feeling particularly thankful to Jesus for the fact that His sacrifice means I don't have to sacrifice animals. (I was going to put in some quotes, but I think it's nicer for me to say that the early chapters of Leviticus really aren't great for people who don't like icky stuff--seriously, I was kind of grimacing and saying yuck a lot as I read about some of the sacrifices.)

-Friends and family who are willing to help me move (who offer to help before I even ask)

-My mom who brought me groceries when I was sick

-Netfilx and Time Warner Cable's Primetime OnDemand channel, which got me through my sick days

-Working with people who are willing to cover my class or help with sub plans

-Going inside to pick people up at the airport

-Watching the last two movies nominated for the Best Picture Oscar

-Mumford and Avett performing at the Grammys

-Finishing two more books of the Bible (Exodus and Matthew), bringing my total so far this year up to 3!

Sick

I, like most people I assume, enjoy missing the occasional day of work. But I usually miss for a really fun reason--like I'm going to see Sufjan Stevens or Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part One, which are both reasons I took days off earlier this year. But today, for the first time since I started teaching, I had to take off work because I'm sick. I usually love being alone, so one would think that staying home for any reason would be fun for me. Not true. Being at home and having to watch tv all day because you don't feel well enough to do anything else is not fun. It is boring. Really boring. Today, I caught up on Chuck, How I Met Your Mother, Desperate Housewives, White Collar, Perfect Couples, and Sonny With a Chance. Before 3:00. Seriously. It is no fun at all.

While I'm feeling slightly better, I still don't feel that great, so I'm going to have to stay home tomorrow too. I'm not looking forward to it at all...mainly because I really miss my students and because I'm out of things to watch.

Happy Valentine's Day

Today's reason to be glad I'm single is...I'm sick. Nothing like waking up on Valentine's Day feeling gross. I felt so bad that I left school early. In two-and-a-half years, it's the first time I've missed school because I don't feel well. On the bright side, I didn't mess up anyone's wonderful, romantic Valentine's plans for me, which is kind of great. Happy Valentine's Day!

Psalm 7:17 Friday VI

I will give to the Lord the thanks due to his righteousness, and I will sing praise to the name of the Lord, the Most High.

-Psalm 7:17

Things I am Thankful for This Week

-Joshua Radin concerts with two of my favorite people ever

-Finding new records

-Seeing old friends in random places

-Friends who I can share life with

-Going to the movies on a weeknight

-New episodes of Glee

-Lazy afternoons at Barnes and Noble with a friend

-My new book, Reading the OED, and all the new words I'm learning

-Students who like learning my new words and go home, use them, and can't wait to tell me about it the next day

-Laughing in the middle of class

-Watching students work really hard on projects, finally get it, and produce something amazing

-8th grade students who get really excited to see me if I'm down the 8th grade hall in the mornings.

-Chaperoning dances and channeling my inner middle schooler (it helps that the dances are in the very same cafeteria I went to middle school dances in).

-I'm still friends with my best friend from middle school, so I can text her from the middle school dances when they start playing a song that we used to dance to (like "Barbie Girl" or "Macarena").

-Hanging out with the student council kids at their lock-in until 1:30 in the morning on a Friday night

-Working with people who have become some of my dearest friends

-Working for a principal who dresses up like Cupid and dances at school dances

-All the things I can honestly say I love about my job--after a really hard year last year

-How teaching shows me so much of my sin AND how it helps me see how great God is and how much He cares for me

-Jesus and how He loved me when I was totally unlovable--how I can love because He first loved me

Renewed

Before I get to the main part of my post, I feel the need to say that I had kind of an awesome Saturday. I found an Iron and Wine record in a record store that I'd been trying to get for weeks but was never anywhere I tried mere minutes before I went to a Joshua Radin concert. It was pretty amazing. It was very exciting for me. But it wasn't the highlight of my weekend. That happened the night before.

I love books. If you've never read my blog before, that might be news, but for those of you who know me or have been reading this for any amount of time at all, you know that's true. This year, I started a book club with some friends. This month was my month to pick, and I picked Jonathan Safran Foer's novel Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (which made its first blog appearance here). I love this book and think it is absolutely beautiful, but it is also kind of hard for me to read because it's about a kid whose dad died. The end is especially tough because I identify with so much of what the kid says and how he feels, but I love it. Friday was our book club meeting, and I was looking forward to discussing my book with my friends. I reread the ending just to refresh my memory because it had been awhile since I read the whole thing--I cried during independent reading in front of my first block class, but that's another story. The point is that, although I love my book so much, I was feeling a little sad by Friday afternoon. (The effect of the book was slightly worsened by the fact that I'm in the process of moving back home with my mom, step-dad, and little brother so that I can save up to buy my own house, which for a variety of reasons is making me miss my dad more than usual. All that goes to say that Friday night, even though I was super happy about my book club, I was feeling a little blue.)

After book club, several of my friends and I went out to dinner. And what that really means is that I went out to dinner with two of my friends and their husbands (who are also my friends, so it's kind of like going to dinner with four friends except that they're married to each other and that's kind of important to know for the rest of the story). Part of it was great because I navigated smoothly between conversations with my girlfriends and conversations with their husbands about sports, which made me feel like my interests make me perfectly built for being single--I can happily converse with people from either gender! But another part of it, like when they started to talk about how when you're married and you can finish each other's sentences and know how the other one is feeling sometimes without having to talk about it and all you can add to the conversation is "That's how it is with me and my sister" or when the waitress comes and asks about checks and it sounds like this: "We're together." "We're together." "I'm alone." is not so fun. That, in combination with already being sad because of my book, meant that when I got home from dinner, I sat down on my floor and started crying because I was lonely and sad that I was single. (And I'm going to pause briefly right here to tell my friends, who I think read my blog, that they should stop feeling bad about this right now because they didn't do anything wrong and because I like hanging out with them and their husbands and because they can't feel responsible for my stupid, irrational girl feelings.)

The old me would have spiraled down into one of her patented oh-woe-is-me-my-dad-died-and-I-don't-have-a-husband-I'm-so-alone-my-life-is-so-unfair wallowing sessions, but I remembered that I hadn't read my selection from Psalms for the day. So instead of wallowing and sitting in a puddle of my own tears feeling sorry for myself, I pulled myself up and went and got my One-year Bible. The selection for the day was from Psalm 28. As I read, I came to these verses:

Blessed be the Lord!

For He has heard the voice of my pleas for mercy.

The Lord is my strength and my shield; in Him my heart trusts, and I am helped;

my heard exults, and with my song I give thanks to Him.

The Lord is the strength of His people;

He is the saving refuge of His anointed.

And I felt better. Instead of being sad alone, I invited God in. Yes my dad died when I was 12. And yes I'm single. But that doesn't matter. I was reminded that He is my strength. My trust should be in Him. I should give thanks to Him because He has saved me. I stopped crying and went to bed happy.

Psalm 7:17 Friday V

I will give to the Lord the thanks due to his righteousness, and I will sing praise to the name of the Lord, the Most High.

-Psalm 7:17

Things I am Thankful for This Week

--8th grade students who come back to help my students on projects during Study Hall so that I don't have to answer the same question for the millionth time or try and help with a project assigned in another class that I don't know how to do.

--Friends who like to read and starting a book club with them.

--Thinking about last year and comparing how I felt then to how I feel now and seeing how much the Lord has changed my heart and given me peace.

--Having a little sister who will wake up at 3AM and watch tennis with me over the phone.

--Going to the movies alone.

--Funny students/having a job where I laugh every day.

More Student Speak

Here is a conversation from my class today. We were discussing a poem, but before we could discuss it, I needed someone to read it out loud. One of my students just started reading. Then he stopped and said, "Whoa. My voice just got deeper." So we all laughed. Then another student said, "You're like Justin Bieber. You hit puberty." Then another student said, "Wait. Justin Bieber hit puberty?" Then I laughed so hard that we lost 5 minutes of class.

Things Students Don't Know

For the past week my students have been studying propaganda terms. One of those terms is testimonials, which is when you have a famous person in your ad. For part of their quiz, I played commercials for them to analyze. When I was selecting the one to use for testimonial, I picked one of the Hanes commercials with Michael Jordan because I thought everyone knew who he was. Apparently I'm really stupid. In my Honors class, at least half of the girls had absolutely no idea. I said, "That's Michael Jordan." Their response was, "Who's Michael Jordan?" Seriously.

When I teach MLA format for songs, I use an example citation of the Nirvana "Smells Like Teen Spirit." I accepted after my first year that students were not going to know the song or know that Nirvana was a real band. (Although this year, for the first time, I had a student who knew it--it kind of made my day, I'm not going to lie.) But I never thought I would teach students who don't know who Michael Jordan is. In this so-called information age when they get out their phones, go on the internet, and basically get any information they want, I am convinced that students are in some ways becoming more stupid.

The Bachelor AND Something Really Important

Has there ever been a season of The Bachelor with this much crying?? It makes me slightly embarrassed to be a girl. There was a time when I drank a glass of wine for fun on Mondays when I watched it, but now I have to drink one just to make it through the episode. It's terrible. I really should quit watching....

On a more serious note, today is January 31st, otherwise known as the end of the month. I'm proud to say that I've kept up with my goal of reading the Bible in a year by reading my section every day this month! I'm loving it, and I'm learning a lot. I'm 1/12th of the way there!

Things Students Say

My students say funny things all the time, but every once in a while, they say something really amazing. Here are three examples from today:

Student 1 is a swimmer, and she sometimes goes to swim practice in the mornings before school. So today when she came up to me and said, "This morning I set a new personal best," I was expecting her to say something about swimming. Instead she said, "I set my personal record for most number of days being alive."

Student 2 asked me a question clarifying some directions I had just given. I re-explained the assignment for him, and as soon as I finished, he asked, "Wait, so what should I do?" Several students just turned and stared at him because I had literally just answered that question specifically for him. So, I told him I had just explained it. He threw his hands up and said, "I wasn't listening! I was paying attention!" (To what? Obviously not to me....)

Finally, during an activity that required students to use dictionaries, student 3 held up a dictionary and asked, "Do you mind if I use this as a war drum?" Seriously.

Now you all wish you were middle school teachers. Admit it. If you were, you would have had all these things said to you along with learning today that Justin Bieber has a tattoo. I may have the coolest or the strangest job in the world.

Today's Reason to Be Happy Being Single AND Dating Myself

I love watching tennis. So, I was particularly excited about this year's Australian Open Men's Final: Novak Djokavic v. Andy Murray. Because it's Australia, there's a huge time difference, which meant that if I wanted to watch it live I would have to wake up around 3 AM. I did. So did my sister. We stayed on the phone for almost the entire match, and somewhere in the second set I asked her is she thought we would do this if/when one or both of us is married. I asked if she thought we would just wake up and go watch in our living rooms or something. Her answer was probably not, and as much as it makes me sad to admit it, she's probably right. So, I'm really glad that we woke up and watched together this year. And I'm really glad I'm single and can wake up and watch tennis in bed at 3 AM if I want.

If you've been reading the blog for a while, you may remember that going to the movies alone was one of my goals for last year, so that's what I did for my Valentine's Day with myself last year. I liked it, but haven't been to the movies alone since. This week I, along with four of my coworkers, presented at my state's English teacher's conference. Our presentation went really well, and we even won an award for Best Use of Conference Theme! It's official. I'm awesome. I was around people nonstop until I got home Saturday night, so I was in great need of alone time. So, this afternoon, instead of typing up my lesson plans for the week like I should have, I decided to take myself to the movies as a reward for my great presentation and as a chance to spend some quality time with myself. I even got myself popcorn and Diet Coke. And I got to the movies 15 minutes early, which I love doing, but usually don't do because other people don't like getting to the movies 15 minutes early. No one talked to me during the movie...or after the movie, which I was glad about because it was a really sad movie and I didn't want to talk about it because it was so painfully real (although I still think Social Network is the saddest movie ever). It was glorious. I have 4 movies left out of the 10 nominated for the Best Picture Oscar, and I'm looking forward to taking myself to see a few more (two are already out on DVD, so I only need to go to the theater to see True Grit and 127 Hours).

Every once in a while, I have days where I'm really glad to be single. Today was one of those days.

Psalm 7:17 Friday IV

I will give to the Lord the thanks due to his righteousness, and I will sing praise to the name of the Lord, the Most High.

-Psalm 7:17

Things I am Thankful for This Week

--Finishing Genesis--not because it was boring (I actually really, really liked it) but because I think it's cool that I've finished one whole book

--Having conferences on Monday and Friday, which meant only having to go to school three days this week (and it was Spirit Week, so students could come to school dressed up...which makes students more hyper than usual)

--Laughing with my family (Band Hero. Enough said.)

--Laughing with my friends (see this week's post about game night)

--Working with people who I genuinely enjoy being with and getting to go on trips with them

--Learning to trust God more

Fun and Games

I've been playing a lot of games lately. And I don't mean interpersonal games, like playing hard to get or something. I mean literal games.

My little brother got Band Hero for his Wii for his birthday. Maybe the best thing about this game is the fact that a bunch of songs that you've always known become somewhat new because the actual words come up on the screen as you sing. For some songs, this is interesting and educational. For others, it is just absurd. For example, the Spice Girls song "Wannabe" or the Styx song "Mr. Roboto." We would start one of these songs, and by the middle I would be doubled over on the floor in a puddle of my own tears, laughing uncontrollably. It was amazing.

Tonight, I got together with my Bible study girls for game night. We played a game called The Game of Things. The basic premise for the game is that someone draws a card with a category of things (for example, things you should do everyday) and then everyone else writes down a thing that fits in the category (for example, read this blog...see what I did there?). Then, the person who read the category reads all the things and the other players try to guess who wrote which thing. It is amazing. I'm horrible at games like this because, as my sisters or anyone who knows me really will not be afraid to say, I think I'm funnier than I am. So, whenever I play games like this, I usually crack up when my own answer gets read...even if it's not that funny. I just really entertain myself.

Anyway, the game ended up being really funny. I wanted to share a few of the funnier moments with you, my loyal readers who read this blog everyday. Without further ado, I present Moments from The Game of Things: A Comedy in Three Acts.

Act One: Things I Would Do if I were a Giant

"Try and hide in small spaces"

"Say 'Fi Fye Fo Fum' a lot to scare kids" (That one was mine...someone guessed it right away. I like to think that was because of the literary allusion, but it was probably because I started laughing as soon as it was read.)

Act Two: Things You Shouldn't Pick Up

"Married men"

Act Three: Things You Shouldn't Say to Your Wife

One of the best things about this one was the fact that someone wrote down, "You really do look kind of fat in that." This meant that during the guessing phase, multiple friends of mine looked at someone else in our group and said variants of "You're the fat one!"

It also brought what in my mind was the best answer of the night...maybe in the history of the game.

"I got you these Pajama Jeans for your birthday."

(If you don't know what those are, click the link to watch the commercial. It's amazing. Mock fly? A size for everyone, yet there are only 8 sizes? I'm intrigued.)

So, I guess the moral of this post is that you should take some time this week to play a game (and maybe you should be a little jealous that I have such fun and clever friends...). Have fun!

Prison

When I decided to set the goal of reading the entire Bible this year, I was a little worried about reading the Old Testament. I thought it would be boring and that I wouldn't get much from it. As usual, I was totally wrong. As an English major, I love stories, and that's what the Old Testament is. It's lots of stories. It has everything--family drama, romance, tension and suspense. It's a great read. God is using it to teach me a lot too. This week, most of my Old Testament reading has been the story of Joseph. You know, the one with the coat with all the colors and the brothers who sell him into slavery and the woman who accuses him of rape and the prison and the dreams and the famine. It's good stuff.

While I've been reading this, several of my friends and I have had rough weeks. I have one friend who is totally overwhelmed and discouraged with teaching (pretty much exactly like I was last year). I have another friend who is dealing with some potential changes in one of her personal relationships, and she's been feeling anxious about them. I have things going on in my life that are making me slightly worried too. In our own ways, we are each in a really difficult place.

Part of Joseph's story is getting thrown into prison by Potiphar after Potiphar's wife falsely accuses Joseph of trying to hook up with her. Obviously, I think everyone would agree that prison isn't really an ideal place to be. It's rather undesirable. Things really aren't that bad for Joseph because he basically gets put in charge, but it's still prison, so I imagine it wasn't all fun and easy. A while after Joseph gets put in prison, the cupbearer and baker of the king of Egypt get thrown into prison too. They have crazy dreams, and Joseph interprets their dreams for them. This eventually leads to Joseph being called in to interpret a dream for Pharaoh, which leads to him being put in charge of tons of stuff in Egypt, saving a bunch of people from famine, and reuniting with his family. In short, yes he spends some time in prison, but it's just part of God's plan for him. A plan that leads to much good.

Genesis 29:20 says that while Joseph was in prison, "the Lord was with Joseph and showed him stedfast love." Sometimes in our lives, God puts in a prison of sorts. He brings us to a place where we don't want to be. Like teaching this year has been for my friend. Or like how waiting on His guidance in a relationship is for my other friend. Or how my issues are for me. We don't like being there, and we just want to get out. But what I learned this week was that God puts us in these places for reasons. These places aren't detours or places we ended up because of a wrong turn. They are exactly where we are supposed to be, and they are part of God's plans for us. We can have faith that, like it was for Joseph, our prisons are steps to an ultimate good. And we can have comfort that, like He was with Joseph, God is with us and will show us his stedfast love.

Psalm 7:17 Friday III

I will give to the Lord the thanks due to his righteousness, and I will sing praise to the name of the Lord, the Most High.

-Psalm 7:17

Things I am Thankful for This Week

--My amazing little brother who turned 7 this week!

--A fun weekend spent with my little sister

--Phil, the Mac Genius, who fixed my computer

--Wonderful old friends who sent me pictures from Russia because mine got lost when I had to get a new hard drive

--Electric blankets

--Dinner with friends

--Co-workers who are helpful and giving

--Friends who will come to my rescue when I need help

--My job, which meant getting to go to a middle school production of The Princess and the Pea starring some of the cutest, most talented kids ever!

--Students who bring me Peanut M&Ms

--Flat tires that help me see I am not alone

--Freedom from locking lug nuts!!

--God teaching me lessons through my circumstances

--A new gratitude for the Gospel

Metaphorically Speaking (Flat Tire 3.0)

My goal for the year is to read the entire Bible, and I've mentioned some Old Testament stuff over the past few weeks. But my One-Year Bible has readings from the New Testament every day too (plus some stuff from Psalms and Proverbs...but that's beside the point). Yesterday I read the part from Matthew 13 about the parable of the sowers (you know, the one with the seeds falling on all different types of ground). What caught my attention was not the seed story, but what came after it. Basically, the disciples ask Jesus why He goes around speaking to people in parables all the time. His response is basically that certain people-who have been given the secrets of the kingdom of heaven--see and hear (understand the parables) but others don't. It's kind of like certain people are blessed to get the meaning behind the story.

Now, being an English teacher with and English degree, I'm all about some super-secret hidden meanings. And I'm all about life's figurative language. God knows this about me, so sometimes I get the feeling that a lot of the stuff that happens to me is best viewed as some kind of spiritual metaphor designed to teach me something.

Yesterday I got a flat tire, and not just a normal flat tire. I got an extremely difficult and challenging flat tire. With the aide of my mom and a very helpful tow truck driver, I got my car to my friendly neighborhood tire and automotive place. I had called them twice to explain my predicament and let them know my poor stubborn car was coming their way after school. As I was talking with one of the guys who works there, he said maybe the most wonderful words I've ever heard in my life. (And I mean that. I really feel like I could be proposed to one day, and in comparison to these words, the proposal would be the second-best thing I've ever heard.) He told me that he could not only take off the offending locking lug nut that was holding my flat tire hostage, he could take off ALL FOUR and replace them with normal, non-locking 0nes! (Translation: No more locking lug nuts, which means no more stuck flat tires! No more emptying out my trunk and getting out all the tools and jacking up my car...or watching someone do that for me...only to realize the tire can't be taken off!)

I know it may seem obvious, but it never even occurred to me to have that done. In my mind, I was going to have to use my Saturday morning to drive to the Mazda dealer and get a new key (that would probably just disappear if I ever got another flat tire). In my mind, I was going to lose half of my Saturday and still be doomed to an uncertain flat tire future. With his obvious, simple suggestion, Stephen--car guy extraordinaire and my official new hero and favorite person ever (which, don't worry, I told him he was)--lifted a huge, anxiety-causing burden from my car-problem-fearing shoulders. When I left the car place yesterday, I had a patched tire and no more locking lug nuts. It felt like Christmas and my birthday all rolled into one. It was amazing. I can't remember the last time I felt that thankful for anything. (I admit that the last sentence makes me seem totally lame...but I'm not afraid to own up to the truth of it. And I think that to fully understand my excitement, one has to know the entire version of my first flat tire story, which involves a sketchy bowling alley, my trunk full of stuff, a tow truck, and a four-hour wait at a Mazda dealership.) Seriously, I was so thankful that last night when I got home from my little brother's birthday dinner, I baked cookies to take to car Stephen today when I went back to have the new lug nuts put on after school. (Yes I baked cookies.)

Last night as I was baking, I couldn't help but think about my response to getting rid of the locking lug nuts. Overwhelming gratitude and cookies. And I started to feel convicted because I couldn't remember the last time I felt that way about God forgiving me for my sin. And it dawned on me that I was right in the middle of one of my real-life metaphors. My flat tire incident is really a frail, dim metaphor for my forgiveness.

No matter what I do on my own, no matter how many people try to help me, there's no way I can rid myself of my sin. Just like there was no way I was changing my tire yesterday without expert help. When what I need is to be forgiven, God goes above and beyond and gives me forgiveness, everlasting and unchanging love, and one day Heaven. Just like the car guys took off all four lug nuts instead of just one. And just like the burden of locking lug nuts was taken away from me forever, so too is the infinitely heavier burden of my sin taken away through Christ's sacrifice for me on the cross.

If my flat tire is a weak symbol of my sin, logic would suggest that my response to my forgiveness should far outshine my response to getting new lug nuts. But it doesn't. To be honest, most days it doesn't really cross my mind. Most days I don't tell Jesus that He's my hero. And I don't tell my friends Jesus is my favorite person ever. And I'm not moved to give to Him (or bake Him cookies....).

So, not only am I thankful for my flat tire because it showed me that I'm not alone, I'm thankful for my flat tire because God used it to teach me about gratitude. He used it to remind me of exactly what I have to be thankful for. He used it to remind me that I'm one of the blessed ones whose eyes see and whose ears hear. He used it to remind me that He has taken away my true burden. And He used it to remind me of what the proper response to that looks like.

Flat Tire 2.0

I should learn not to blog until situations are fully resolved. My tires have a special lug nut, which means you have to have a key to get the tire off in order to put on the spare. I got a flat tire once in college. It turned out to be a long, epic ordeal because the key needed to take the flat off was not in my car. It involved having my car towed to my local Mazda dealer. It was not good. But, the good part was that the service guy put a key in with my spare tire parts so that if I ever got another flat tire, I wouldn't have the same problem. So today, I was anticipating an easy fix. But, I forgot to take into account that I am me.

One of my friends came up to my school during my planning today to put my spare tire on. We got out all the tools (which I haven't seen since my last spare tire fiasco years ago), and the magical key was missing yet again. The only thing I can think of that may have happened was that when I got new tires 3 years ago, the technician didn't put the key back where it belonged. So that left me with a flat tire and no way to get it off.

My friend started walking around the parking lot looking at tires to see if anyone had a special anti-theft lug nut that looked like mine. One car did, so I interrupted this teacher's class to borrow her keys. We got out her key, but it didn't work. So now, I am stuck at school and have to deal with my worst class before I can have a tow truck come and tow my poor car to my local automotive place where they will hopefully be able to get the flat off. (I called, and the guy assured me that he could.) In short, it isn't turning out to be my day....and it is getting more difficult for me to not feel sorry for myself. I don't really know how a husband would help in this situation...because he wouldn't be able to magic off the flat tire...but alas, that fact doesn't change how I feel. (I think I assume he would swoop in and handle everything, and I wouldn't have to think about it--I don't like having to handle things.) So, here's a new list of truth:

1) As stated in the last post, I could be on the side of the road somewhere.

2) My mom lives close to me and is willing to call a tow truck and come meet it this afternoon. Even though she is sick and it is my brother's birthday.

3) I teach with people who don't mind if I interrupt their classes to borrow their car keys for very odd reasons.

4) I work with friends who are willing to stay after school with me and then drive me to the automotive place (where they may have to wait with me some more).

5) This is not the end of the world. God still loves me. It will me ok.

Flat Tire

For a few reasons, I was feeling particularly lonely yesterday afternoon after school. I recently bought a book by Angela Thomas called Do You Know Who I Am?. The basic premise of the book is that for each chapter she focuses on a question women often have about whether God really knows them, and then she writes about an aspect of God that answers each question. Last night, I decided to go ahead and skip to the middle to the chapter titled "Do You Know I am Lonely?" It talked about how Christ knew loneliness, so He understands and about how our deepest longing can only be satisfied in Him. After reading it, I felt much better and had a new resolve to believe in things that are true rather than in my feelings. I came to school this morning decidedly set on not feeling lonely. I was prepared and ready to go.

If you've been reading the blog for a while, you may remember what I like to fondly refer to as the Epic Meltdown of Spring 2010. All my negative emotions came to a head when my car wouldn't start one morning. For some reason, car issues make me feel more alone than just about anything. I don't know why. So, the last thing I needed on my I'm-not-going-to-feel-lonely day was for anything to be wrong with my car. If there's anything I've learned from reading the Old Testament lately it's that God isn't afraid to test people and ask for big things (see Abraham almost sacrificing Isaac), so I shouldn't have been surprised when one of my fellow teachers found me this morning and told me he noticed my back passenger tire was going flat. Because I am me, this makes me want to cry. But if Job can praise God after losing his entire family, surely I can survive a flat tire...right?

At first, I naturally began my spiral downward into woe-is-me-I'm-single land, a place I am all to familiar with. My resolve was quickly fading, and I was starting to feel pretty lonely. But God hasn't called me to be lonely. And this was a test of my trust in Him. I had to decide if I was going to let myself go and follow my feelings or if I was going to battle those feelings with truth. I decided to go with truth. So here's a list of truth:

1) I got the flat tire at school where there are people who can help. I didn't get it in some random parking lot, over the weekend when people were busy or out or town, or just randomly on the side of the road somewhere. If I'm going to get a flat tire, this is probably the best place for it.

2) Before the time the bell rang this morning, two people had already offered to help me fix my tire (one of them offered up her AAA and her husband as assistance). My co-worker who noticed it basically just said, "Your tire is flat. I'll change it during planning." I didn't have to ask or anything.

3) I felt bad about someone having to do it in the middle of the workday, so I sent a text to one of my friends stating that I had a "flat tire situation." His response was "How can I help?"

4) God isn't going to give me anything that I can't bear. He loves me. He will take care of me.

5) Really, it is just a flat tire, which in the scheme of things is not bad at all.

Looking at that list, it is glaringly obvious to me that I am not alone. When I look at the truth, I see that a situation I originally felt was a real test was instead an opportunity for God to demonstrate His love and faithfulness to me. God has blessed me with the Holy Spirit, who gives me the strength to choose truth over feelings. He has blessed me with caring friends and co-workers, and today He is using them to ease my feelings of loneliness. So instead of being angry and bitter over my flat tire, I am thankful for it. For the lesson it has taught me. For how it has made me feel incredibly loved.